I haven't written and there is so much to write about. Where do I start? Who do I start with? On my connector flight home from Houston last night I watched the sun set from high in the sky. I just finished watching The Vow and I seriously had to turn my head away from my sister and Lisa so they couldn't see me getting choked up. I had a moment. The movie was romantic and the ending song was "Pictures of You" by The Cure. It's one of my all time favorite songs. I'm pretty sure I've even posted it here before. I have so many memories attached to that song. The movie was about a couple coming back together, like their hearts never forgot one another. As I listened to the song and looked outside the window and fought back tears I thought of Carlos. I don't know why he has been on my mind so much. I don't even know how I feel about me thinking of him. It's not a yearning to be with him. I can best describe it as a visiting a chapter in one of my favorite books. That one chapter that once you are reminded of its contents, you have an a-ha moment and realize just how much joy that book gave you when you first read it. It's the part of the book that you are first to think of or describe to someone that asks you about it. It's that special feeling in your heart that no matter how many other great books you read, they will never replace that chapter. I called him right now, I know he wasn't going to pick up. I'm not even sure what I would have even said had he picked up. I think I just miss the Robin that was so in love. He obviously had a lot to do with that, but I loved that sincere, genuine feeling. I hadn't felt that before or sense Carlos.
I've run into him two times now and I've heard three stories of people's encounters with him. My mind isn't lost but my heart most definitely is. I still have a big heart, but I feel so guarded now. My wall is getting higher and my temper even shorter. I keep putting myself "out there" and I just have no patience. I get aggravated easily and I snap. I know what the right thing to do is, but I keep fighting it for some odd reason. My head feels like its spinning, I'm trying to get used to this new job that came out of nowhere, finish up these last two weeks of school and have a social life. One day I will look back on this and be grateful for these moments. When I'm actually experiencing them it's not that fun. I feel confused yet grounded.
