Let It Be Me

Let it be me...
To let go.

To declare when it's over
To say it's enough.

To be the strong one.
To not feel a thing.

I can't remember life without you

I felt compelled to write this. One day I'm going to look back and wonder how this world ever existed without you. The reality of not having you yet with me will be such a faint memory. It will feel like galaxies away. I know everything will be different. I know I need to cherish these times. The truth is, life is so fleeting. I miss you, then and now.

I want to talk about the universe

Love is all around us. Most of the time it's recognizable but other times it's so unfamiliar, like passing  an stranger in the crowd. Sometimes it gives you a nauseating feeling of Deja vu. Then it's very presence and movement intoxicates us and draws us in. So close yet so far. Far from the heart and even further than the mind. At times it can blind us. It beams and radiates so profoundly we can't imagine looking away. There is an ease about this, like a long sigh after a rough day.  I can't help but to feel lost and at times very empty. A shell of a being that once had but lost and is most fearful of forgetting that she hasn't realized it's completely gone. Doubt sets in...will it be back to visit? Will this time be different? A rush of naivety becomes her and she fights the word "alone" because really she's just single. And you just remember to breathe.

Bring It

My last day as a 33 y/o was amazing. Very insightful. Someone at work said 34 is lucky. Both 3 and 4 make 7 and so does 1 and 6.

There are things I want to do and see. I don't want to wonder, I want to experience.

Don't panic

It's amazing just how fast a bond can be made...and broken. Friday I spent over 3hrs facetiming Mikey. Saturday we went out and I felt butterflies. Tonight I drive to his house to basically lay around and he plays on his phone. I didn't say anything and I'm not going to. I'm making the most of the situation and I do not have expectations. Perfect validation why it's not good to expect too much.

I'm discouraged but grateful and at peace knowing in H
he does exist and he's fine tuning himself for me.

I'm tired.

Settle for more

It's my birthday week and although work is hectic, I'm in high spirits.

I'm having one of those "I need to document this" moments. Lisa just texted me she saw Carlos at the gym. For the first time ever (I think) I actually didn't care. It felt good. Progress feels good. Knowing what I'm worth feels good. Knowing my true happily ever after is in the making. It sets my heart at ease knowing and feeling that the universe is looking out for me.

I am grateful and I know everything is falling into place. I'm ready, 34.

I know

...that I SHOULDN'T be sad.
That I have tons to be grateful for.
That my time will come
That it will feel right and just fall into place
That it will happen when I'm least expecting it.

I'm always expecting it.

Radiate Your Sacred Heart

Dave is back. He contacted me Sunday and I noticed the blocked message. I hate how attracted I am to him. He seems a lot better. Therapy and time.

He stayed over last night. He's still kind of a lost soul. I'm just going to breathe and embrace our time together.

I keep seeing these beautiful sayings so I have to document them.

Yours is my heart alone.

There is a light that never goes out

Tonight Frankie, boo, and myself went to Redondo to visit cousin ken. We took the 110 and of course we got on the freeway right by Rene's apartment. I saw the window illuminate. I texted and no response. I'm actually relieved.

It's always easier when we are out of something to realize just how toxic a situation is. Ugh.

There's something special in its simplicity

Tonight I found out Cynthia's dad has passed away. Alcohol.

He lived a full life. Married his true love and had two beautiful, successful daughters. He left this earth happy and proud. My heart breaks for the girls. Lately I've been messaging Tera and now I will be seeing her at the memorial get together. Crazy how life works like that.

I signed up for school again and I want to find a dance class.

We are powered by only one of two things: Fear and Love. I want to be fearless and overflowing with love. It's a slow process, but I'm getting out of my own way.

Nostalgia

Always reminds me of my mother and very early mornings.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hr0rDW5j1KUhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hr0rDW5j1KU

Reminder

Keep an open mind

I didn't do half the shit I said I wanted to last year. Most were very simple too! Like learning how to play the harmonica or signing up for a cooking class. It's crazy to think that the only thing getting in my way is...me.

I don't know why I'm scared to just try something. I especially feel this way about working out. I signed up for the barre classes but never went. WHHHHY??!!?? Instead of beating myself up about it I decided that I'm going to just take a breath and keep an open mind. So I didn't do the class, it doesn't mean I won't ever do it. I'm tired of beating myself up about broken promises I've made to myself. I'm just going to keep positive and have faith that I will find that thing (or things) that I'm totally badass at and just go with it.

Believe

I should've went home last night after his apology. It was only 7pm and I could've met up with bestie who was only about five miles away. Instead, I accepted his apology and let him take me to dinner. I wasn't even hungry. I think I pitied him. He really didn't want me to go and the truth is we both were lonely.

I'm done with Rene. I can't even be his friend. He's in a shitty place and too much has been said and done. I'm not carrying this into my new year. I'm making peace with the situation and I'm moving forward. I don't regret allowing myself to be a part of his mess for as long as I did but I recognize just how toxic sticking around is for my own emotional health.

It's amazing just how much one person can affect us. Someone that doesn't really know you and doesn't really care to. Why does it hurt? Is there truth in what he says? Is it that him and I are similar in all the wrong ways? Or does he not know me enough to even pass judgement and the fact that he tries really angers and upsets me?


Someone sent me this quote this morning and it made me smile. So simple and so positive.

Happy New Year !!!

Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing. Believe in yourself. And believe that there is a loving Source - a Sower of Dreams - just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true.

Let's see what 2016 has got.