Adele - Take it all (+lyrics)

I basically raped the YouTube replay button. Read the lyrics.

Lovesick mistake

It has to end to begin.

Mad World

That Tears for Fears cover by Gary Jules is playing on my Pandora station. It reminds me of Donnie Darko, which in turn reminds me of the last time I saw it, which was at Beaw's house. He set up the laptop for me on his comfy bed and I watched while he worked out. It's funny when something reminds us on one thing and then it starts a string of memories. Remembering all this ultimately reminds me of whenever he used to tell me he loved me. He was silly like 90% of the time, but the 10% when he was serious was just as nice. I remember one of the last times we had gone to the Bottle Room and we were sitting at the bar and I was yapping away and he was just looking at me. When I was done talking I looked over at him and he looked me directly in my eyes and told me he loved me. That moment is probably my favorite moment of us together, well, after the first time he told me he loved me. He was so sweet to me. We had such big differences, but as I told him many times, when we initially met it was fireworks. We talked so long that night. That was the best first kiss I've ever had in my life. That moment felt like perfection.

It stings my heart to think back at those things, but at the same time it strengthens my hopeful heart. I now know that feeling is possible. It's happened.

I'm glad today is Friday, I have so much on my mind. It's going to be nice to see my Erika love and my sissy at one of my favorite bars, The Edison. Once again, I'm flooded with memories. Bittersweet ones. Time to make new ones.

If you're reading this...

I just want to let you know that I will always love you.

Sometimes we say or do things and we don't think about the effect it will have on others. We just throw stuff out into the universe and don't consider the repercussions. We don't bother with the follow up. Then there are those rare times where that distant "I wonder what ever happened when I _____ (insert situation)" is answered. That's when we find out how we might have made someones day, or even when we might have hurt someone.

Growing up, I remember the worst punishment I could have ever received was the thought of letting my mom down. She already knew how hard my father was on us, so when we would upset her there would be no screaming or yelling or even a beat down. It was silence, and it was disappointment in her face. That would just tear me up. I hate knowing I've let someone down, especially when its someone that holds such a special place in my heart.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Aggression

I'm sitting here at my desk with a shitload of work and all I can think about is some random memory from last year.

January 2010, Carlos bought me my kickboxing gloves and a 6 week training course. I was so excited!! I remember the first night I went I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect and didn't want to be embarrassed if I couldn't keep up. But I went, and I did keep up! I remember when the session was over the instructor went around and gave high fives to everyone and my girlfriend and I walked outta the studio. I'm not sure if it was just the adrenaline pumping or the whole experience just evoked some emotions, but I started to cry. It felt good. I felt good. I was proud of myself and it was healthy to get out some of that aggression in a positive form.

I think I thought of this because I know I'm in the middle of a transition in my life. That and the fact that I'm going to a boot camp tonight. I'm excited, and I look forward to being sore. I need to get some anger out. I need a good cry, even if its only on the inside.

Delete Obsolete

You've officially been erased from  my phone, now in order for me to even want to contact you, it will be work. Sending an email doesn't have as quick of a return as a nasty gram via text. I meant what I wrote. I am not mad, I'm very disappointed and I feel sad...for you.

Go fuck yourself.

*I'm sorry you read this.

Goodbye good guy

Love is...

letting go, once and for all.