Mad World

That Tears for Fears cover by Gary Jules is playing on my Pandora station. It reminds me of Donnie Darko, which in turn reminds me of the last time I saw it, which was at Beaw's house. He set up the laptop for me on his comfy bed and I watched while he worked out. It's funny when something reminds us on one thing and then it starts a string of memories. Remembering all this ultimately reminds me of whenever he used to tell me he loved me. He was silly like 90% of the time, but the 10% when he was serious was just as nice. I remember one of the last times we had gone to the Bottle Room and we were sitting at the bar and I was yapping away and he was just looking at me. When I was done talking I looked over at him and he looked me directly in my eyes and told me he loved me. That moment is probably my favorite moment of us together, well, after the first time he told me he loved me. He was so sweet to me. We had such big differences, but as I told him many times, when we initially met it was fireworks. We talked so long that night. That was the best first kiss I've ever had in my life. That moment felt like perfection.

It stings my heart to think back at those things, but at the same time it strengthens my hopeful heart. I now know that feeling is possible. It's happened.

I'm glad today is Friday, I have so much on my mind. It's going to be nice to see my Erika love and my sissy at one of my favorite bars, The Edison. Once again, I'm flooded with memories. Bittersweet ones. Time to make new ones.

If you're reading this...

I just want to let you know that I will always love you.

Sometimes we say or do things and we don't think about the effect it will have on others. We just throw stuff out into the universe and don't consider the repercussions. We don't bother with the follow up. Then there are those rare times where that distant "I wonder what ever happened when I _____ (insert situation)" is answered. That's when we find out how we might have made someones day, or even when we might have hurt someone.

Growing up, I remember the worst punishment I could have ever received was the thought of letting my mom down. She already knew how hard my father was on us, so when we would upset her there would be no screaming or yelling or even a beat down. It was silence, and it was disappointment in her face. That would just tear me up. I hate knowing I've let someone down, especially when its someone that holds such a special place in my heart.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Aggression

I'm sitting here at my desk with a shitload of work and all I can think about is some random memory from last year.

January 2010, Carlos bought me my kickboxing gloves and a 6 week training course. I was so excited!! I remember the first night I went I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect and didn't want to be embarrassed if I couldn't keep up. But I went, and I did keep up! I remember when the session was over the instructor went around and gave high fives to everyone and my girlfriend and I walked outta the studio. I'm not sure if it was just the adrenaline pumping or the whole experience just evoked some emotions, but I started to cry. It felt good. I felt good. I was proud of myself and it was healthy to get out some of that aggression in a positive form.

I think I thought of this because I know I'm in the middle of a transition in my life. That and the fact that I'm going to a boot camp tonight. I'm excited, and I look forward to being sore. I need to get some anger out. I need a good cry, even if its only on the inside.

Delete Obsolete

You've officially been erased from  my phone, now in order for me to even want to contact you, it will be work. Sending an email doesn't have as quick of a return as a nasty gram via text. I meant what I wrote. I am not mad, I'm very disappointed and I feel sad...for you.

Go fuck yourself.

*I'm sorry you read this.

Goodbye good guy

Love is...

letting go, once and for all.

Lemonade in July

It's officially the first day of July. The year is half way through. Wow. I feel positive! I have a three day weekend and I plan to make the most of it. I love the 4th of July. I've always had really good ones. You have the family stuff and then I always either had a boyfriend or I was with friends. They have always been pleasant and memorable.

This year will be different, I'm single and my sister is single. We decided to have a slumber party. Something will come up event wise. If it doesn't, thats ok too! So, I'm super excited! Tomorrow I'm trying Zumba for the first time! Eek! ♥

When one door closes...

another one opens. It's really scaryexcitingwonderful how you put something out into the Universe and then BAM! You get what your heart desires. It side swipes you and sometimes you literally are left breathless.

So yesterday at 2:56pm I got what I was slightly holding my breath for...a text. It was from him simply asking "do you dislike me?" Umm...no, but you definitely aren't my favorite person right now. I indulged and wrote back. He told me "it sounds gay, but I feel emo :/ " hmmm...ya think? The selfish part of me was happy to hear that he was hurting without me. Then I felt empty. You "wish" for something like that to occur, but who actually wins? If anything, it made me feel even more shitty. He went on to tell me that he is feeling "a wide range of emotions" I then wrote back and told him I understood where he was coming from. And then...that was it. Of course that completely effed up my afternoon, I kept anticipating another mystery text from him. Why? Who knows?! I'm a nosy rosy I guess. Maybe I liked that evil, shitty feeling I felt knowing that the situation finally got to him. I'm a bitch {smirk}

I took my nephews and sissy to JIPC and we played...and I gave in. Not only did I text him to find out what these wide range of emotions were, but I called. We spoke for about 20 minutes. It was a waste. Why did I do that? Ugh! I feel like he had the "one up" on me. I texted bestest and I text Shawn*, both were supportive as they possibly could be. I then went home and arrived by nine. Now I was mad. Now he had me thinking. I'm upset that I gave in. I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to vent.

Who do I call though?

Chris.

So I did just that...and I cried. He let me be upset. Things went around in circles. I wished him well and hung up. At this point the tears have dried and I'm just done. I'm done.

I take a shower to cool off so to speak. I end up talking on the phone with Shawn from after 10pm 'til 4am...yeah. Yeeeeeah.

*I don't even want to touch base on him yet. He is deserving of his own dedicated blog. Eek!