Those three words said too much though not enough...

So that's it, it's official... we're in ♥! Yes, it's that simple. I would've never thought almost 7 months after my heart was practically ripped outta my chest would I be feeling this way for someone new. His timing was impeccable. It was yesterday morning and we were laying down. We started talking finances and debt. I got choked up recalling regretful moments (and unwanted debt- because of impulsive decisions) and me just being foolish. After making me smile through the tears, he told me he'd never hold it over my head, "you know why Robin? Because I love you." :)

Leaps and bounds

2/5/11 = six months.....and you know what, I didn't even realize this until yesterday. My ♥ couldn't feel any better. I emailed him, totally for selfish reasons. I needed to get it off my chest...the fact that I have began to forgive. He probably won't even read it, and to be honest, I could give a shit. That was purely for my peace of mind, because at the end of the day I'M what matters most!

I feel amazing. I'm mentally working myself up for this new school semester to start, if I keep this up I will be transferring sooner than later. Eek! My friendships have strengthened and I've embraced living alone more than ever. I really feel like I'm ok with myself.

I can't lie, Chris has something to do with it. He is wonderful...that's actually and understatement. My extensive vocabulary must be thrown off track because of my heart palpitations or something. Life is grand, this is good. It feels right and I am happy. I feel like I can exhale...just breathe ;)

....and then there was a text

Inhumane. Thats the first word that comes to mind when I think about Carlos leaving me high and dry without one apology. Not a text. Not an email. Not a letter nor a phone call. When I met him, he had been separated for four months. It's now been four months for us....how the hell did he even think about getting into a relationship with me after breaking up from a ten year relationship!?! How dare he fall in love with me. Shame on him.

I texted Kev the other day...no answer. All of his belongings are in a cabinet, in a room that I don't even sleep in. But I know its there. So I texted him today. He must still work at the bakery. He finally texted back thanking me for not tossing his shit and asking that I leave it outside for him to pick up tomorrow.

I want my answers, I texted him back saying that....no response. I have to let go once and for all.

I know I dreamt you...

Oh my blogness! So much to catch up on. I suppose I will spill about last Saturday's events. So, before class Nicole and I went to breakfast at Panera. It was cold and rainy and I was looking like I just had rolled outta bed...and I basically did. We finish breakfast and as I turn around to push in my chair, I see a woman sitting directly behind me in a booth all on her own making jewelry. My heart started to race. I felt a rush of anxiety hit me. This was the moment I had been expecting. I thought it was Maria.

I told Nicole who I thought it was, she asked me what I wanted to do. I can't live my life with those big "what-if" moments. It's just not in my character. I knew if I had left that place without approaching this woman I would regret it forever. So I told Nic that I had to approach her, she offered to stand there with me. I didn't know what I was going to say if it had been her, all  I knew was that if this mystery woman confirmed who I thought she was I was prepared to NOT go to class and sit with this woman and get some answers. I built up all the courage I could (this usually is not an issue for me since I rarely get embarrassed or intimidated) I approach the woman and politely apologize for interrupting her and I ask if her name is Maria. Well....it wasn't. The rush of blood to my head subsided and I thanked her and walked away. I wish I could say my hands were shaking because of the blustery weather, but alas, it was all nerves. It really shook me up.

Was this the universe preparing me for the day that I will run into him...or her....or them?

::sigh::

Single looks good on you!

....or so I've been told :) Tuesday night (November 9) I had my break up party. It would've marked our three year anniversary. I was in high spirits all day. I looked and felt great. I was surrounded by all my beautiful and strong girlfriends. I am so lucky. How could I be sad when I think about the awesome positive energy my friends provide for me. It was nice to be silly and make light of the situation. It was a great turnout and I brought some new friendships together.

Cheers Carlos!

Just breathe....

Everything will be alright, maybe not today, but eventually.

Only in my dreams....

Ay....I dreamt of Carlos last night. Even in my dream my heart hurt. It's weird, its like my subconscious even knew it had been a long time not seeing him. We were at some house having a get together, and then he showed up. He shaved off his mustache. That was his trademark. In my mind, I felt like he had done it to start anew. Then she showed up...its weird. I've never seen her in person, but I knew it was her. Him and I kind of went off on our own and I started to cry telling him I missed him and that he had made such a big mistake. We kissed and it felt so real. In my waking life, I had forgotten what it felt like to be kissed by him and this dream totally opened that warm feeling inside my heart all over again. Alas, it was only a dream. That will never be my reality. I'm ok with that, my ♥ will have to be as well.