....and then there was a text

Inhumane. Thats the first word that comes to mind when I think about Carlos leaving me high and dry without one apology. Not a text. Not an email. Not a letter nor a phone call. When I met him, he had been separated for four months. It's now been four months for us....how the hell did he even think about getting into a relationship with me after breaking up from a ten year relationship!?! How dare he fall in love with me. Shame on him.

I texted Kev the other day...no answer. All of his belongings are in a cabinet, in a room that I don't even sleep in. But I know its there. So I texted him today. He must still work at the bakery. He finally texted back thanking me for not tossing his shit and asking that I leave it outside for him to pick up tomorrow.

I want my answers, I texted him back saying that....no response. I have to let go once and for all.

I know I dreamt you...

Oh my blogness! So much to catch up on. I suppose I will spill about last Saturday's events. So, before class Nicole and I went to breakfast at Panera. It was cold and rainy and I was looking like I just had rolled outta bed...and I basically did. We finish breakfast and as I turn around to push in my chair, I see a woman sitting directly behind me in a booth all on her own making jewelry. My heart started to race. I felt a rush of anxiety hit me. This was the moment I had been expecting. I thought it was Maria.

I told Nicole who I thought it was, she asked me what I wanted to do. I can't live my life with those big "what-if" moments. It's just not in my character. I knew if I had left that place without approaching this woman I would regret it forever. So I told Nic that I had to approach her, she offered to stand there with me. I didn't know what I was going to say if it had been her, all  I knew was that if this mystery woman confirmed who I thought she was I was prepared to NOT go to class and sit with this woman and get some answers. I built up all the courage I could (this usually is not an issue for me since I rarely get embarrassed or intimidated) I approach the woman and politely apologize for interrupting her and I ask if her name is Maria. Well....it wasn't. The rush of blood to my head subsided and I thanked her and walked away. I wish I could say my hands were shaking because of the blustery weather, but alas, it was all nerves. It really shook me up.

Was this the universe preparing me for the day that I will run into him...or her....or them?

::sigh::

Single looks good on you!

....or so I've been told :) Tuesday night (November 9) I had my break up party. It would've marked our three year anniversary. I was in high spirits all day. I looked and felt great. I was surrounded by all my beautiful and strong girlfriends. I am so lucky. How could I be sad when I think about the awesome positive energy my friends provide for me. It was nice to be silly and make light of the situation. It was a great turnout and I brought some new friendships together.

Cheers Carlos!

Just breathe....

Everything will be alright, maybe not today, but eventually.

Only in my dreams....

Ay....I dreamt of Carlos last night. Even in my dream my heart hurt. It's weird, its like my subconscious even knew it had been a long time not seeing him. We were at some house having a get together, and then he showed up. He shaved off his mustache. That was his trademark. In my mind, I felt like he had done it to start anew. Then she showed up...its weird. I've never seen her in person, but I knew it was her. Him and I kind of went off on our own and I started to cry telling him I missed him and that he had made such a big mistake. We kissed and it felt so real. In my waking life, I had forgotten what it felt like to be kissed by him and this dream totally opened that warm feeling inside my heart all over again. Alas, it was only a dream. That will never be my reality. I'm ok with that, my ♥ will have to be as well.

Reunions...

It's after 2am, I just got back from a little reunion of sorts. I swear, I love FB. I got to see Royal Oaks kids, Northview kids and Duarte High folks. It was actually a pretty good turn out. It's crazy to see old familiar faces and here stories about what curve balls life has thrown at them. Old friends like these are like comfort food for my soul. They keep me grounded and are a constant reminder of where I came from and why I am who I am today. :)

On a side note, I'm totally having a foot-in-mouth moment. I regret being so open and honest with him, I feel like it was too much too soon. I apologized and he texted me "I accept your apology" and "don't trip" hmm....I'm having a Swingers moment. I'm overanalyzing the situation. Leave it alone already Robin!

Head Over Feet...

Oh.Emm.Gee....

Breathe Robin! Umm wow, he is amazing. In every which way. I know I've already said too much, but I couldn't help it! I love the way he looks into my eyes, his gorgeous smile, and I adore that protected feeling when his arms are wrapped around me. I wasn't expecting some thing like this to happen so soon. If anything I feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty.

Carlos left me, August 5, 2010 to be exact. But you know what, he obviously let go of me and what we had long before that. Is there an "x" amount of time that I'm supposed to be sitting around and waiting for? I'm not over how everything went down. In all honesty though, I cannot continue to hold on and a yearn for someone that really just doesn't want me back. Why would I even want someone so toxic in my life? What we had went out the window that nite when I walked outside and uncovered the truth. I could never hate Carlos, he was (is?) a good man. He was wonderful to me. Something changed along the way though, and it was mentally way beyond anything that him and I had going on. I pity him. I know he doesn't have the support system like I do.

So, as hard as it's going to be, I have to take this next one with a grain of salt. Affirmation is always so sweet. It's nice to hear just how beautiful and wonderful you are. Time will tell.

Online dating: Is it still taboo?

You know, as many eharmony and match.com commercials as I see, I STILL cannot see online dating as completely socially acceptable. I know...I'm a hypocrite. But, this isn't about me per se, this is about internet dating as a whole. I feel like it still has this stigma. What are your thoughts?

Love is a losing game...

Amy Winehouse sang it best. Today is two months. Of course it has to be really gloomy and cold out. I'm having an emo moment, I know i'll be over it in no time. It's just so crazy thinking about what transpired two months ago. Even when I tell the story its hard to believe I was one of main characters. This was never supposed to happen to me. We weren't that couple. He wasn't that type of guy. He really fooled me. Lesson learned.

I can look at pictures and it not bother me so much, I think because it feels so long ago. But music....heh, music is something else. The soundtrack of our love was priceless.

Just sayin'....

I was never a fan of mayo...

...until now. Funny how life changes, fast! We're constantly looking/hoping/wishing for change, then it happens and we're like, "dude, when did ______ happen!??" No one is in charge of your happiness except you! September has been good to me, August can suck a d*ck for all I care haha. I'm the most positive i've ever been in my entire life. I can't wait for what's in store for me!

Sup

I've been inspired! Not only by my amazeballs Speech 10 teacher, but also by the mishaps and what nots that have transpired since August 5, 2010.

I love beautiful minds....no no, not the movie....actual people with beautiful minds. It's a major turn on for me. I honestly cannot handle stupidity. I'm a harsh critic and I run my mouth too much NOT to tell you what an idiot I think you just might be.

With that said, Drake, this blog's for you! Don't ever say I didn't dedicate anything to you...I suppose it doesn't matter because your ignorant ass will never get the chance to even read it! Ha! I feel relief in knowing that because of wonderful technological advances, I can literally block you out of my life. Sure you had nice upper extremities and you made me laugh, but you don't have too much going on upstairs- I'm referring to your brain Boo!

Last nite when I asked you if you had ADD, I meant it. Little did I know that it would take four dates and over a thousand text messages to realize just how dense you really are. So much for second...and third... and fourth chances. You are so intense, in the worst possible way. The bar has been set and your 5'3" booty will never reach it.

So to answer your persistent question, that's what's "sup."