Let It Be Me

Let it be me...
To let go.

To declare when it's over
To say it's enough.

To be the strong one.
To not feel a thing.

I can't remember life without you

I felt compelled to write this. One day I'm going to look back and wonder how this world ever existed without you. The reality of not having you yet with me will be such a faint memory. It will feel like galaxies away. I know everything will be different. I know I need to cherish these times. The truth is, life is so fleeting. I miss you, then and now.

I want to talk about the universe

Love is all around us. Most of the time it's recognizable but other times it's so unfamiliar, like passing  an stranger in the crowd. Sometimes it gives you a nauseating feeling of Deja vu. Then it's very presence and movement intoxicates us and draws us in. So close yet so far. Far from the heart and even further than the mind. At times it can blind us. It beams and radiates so profoundly we can't imagine looking away. There is an ease about this, like a long sigh after a rough day.  I can't help but to feel lost and at times very empty. A shell of a being that once had but lost and is most fearful of forgetting that she hasn't realized it's completely gone. Doubt sets in...will it be back to visit? Will this time be different? A rush of naivety becomes her and she fights the word "alone" because really she's just single. And you just remember to breathe.

Bring It

My last day as a 33 y/o was amazing. Very insightful. Someone at work said 34 is lucky. Both 3 and 4 make 7 and so does 1 and 6.

There are things I want to do and see. I don't want to wonder, I want to experience.

Don't panic

It's amazing just how fast a bond can be made...and broken. Friday I spent over 3hrs facetiming Mikey. Saturday we went out and I felt butterflies. Tonight I drive to his house to basically lay around and he plays on his phone. I didn't say anything and I'm not going to. I'm making the most of the situation and I do not have expectations. Perfect validation why it's not good to expect too much.

I'm discouraged but grateful and at peace knowing in H
he does exist and he's fine tuning himself for me.

I'm tired.

Settle for more

It's my birthday week and although work is hectic, I'm in high spirits.

I'm having one of those "I need to document this" moments. Lisa just texted me she saw Carlos at the gym. For the first time ever (I think) I actually didn't care. It felt good. Progress feels good. Knowing what I'm worth feels good. Knowing my true happily ever after is in the making. It sets my heart at ease knowing and feeling that the universe is looking out for me.

I am grateful and I know everything is falling into place. I'm ready, 34.

I know

...that I SHOULDN'T be sad.
That I have tons to be grateful for.
That my time will come
That it will feel right and just fall into place
That it will happen when I'm least expecting it.

I'm always expecting it.

Radiate Your Sacred Heart

Dave is back. He contacted me Sunday and I noticed the blocked message. I hate how attracted I am to him. He seems a lot better. Therapy and time.

He stayed over last night. He's still kind of a lost soul. I'm just going to breathe and embrace our time together.

I keep seeing these beautiful sayings so I have to document them.

Yours is my heart alone.

There is a light that never goes out

Tonight Frankie, boo, and myself went to Redondo to visit cousin ken. We took the 110 and of course we got on the freeway right by Rene's apartment. I saw the window illuminate. I texted and no response. I'm actually relieved.

It's always easier when we are out of something to realize just how toxic a situation is. Ugh.

There's something special in its simplicity

Tonight I found out Cynthia's dad has passed away. Alcohol.

He lived a full life. Married his true love and had two beautiful, successful daughters. He left this earth happy and proud. My heart breaks for the girls. Lately I've been messaging Tera and now I will be seeing her at the memorial get together. Crazy how life works like that.

I signed up for school again and I want to find a dance class.

We are powered by only one of two things: Fear and Love. I want to be fearless and overflowing with love. It's a slow process, but I'm getting out of my own way.

Nostalgia

Always reminds me of my mother and very early mornings.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hr0rDW5j1KUhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hr0rDW5j1KU

Reminder

Keep an open mind

I didn't do half the shit I said I wanted to last year. Most were very simple too! Like learning how to play the harmonica or signing up for a cooking class. It's crazy to think that the only thing getting in my way is...me.

I don't know why I'm scared to just try something. I especially feel this way about working out. I signed up for the barre classes but never went. WHHHHY??!!?? Instead of beating myself up about it I decided that I'm going to just take a breath and keep an open mind. So I didn't do the class, it doesn't mean I won't ever do it. I'm tired of beating myself up about broken promises I've made to myself. I'm just going to keep positive and have faith that I will find that thing (or things) that I'm totally badass at and just go with it.

Believe

I should've went home last night after his apology. It was only 7pm and I could've met up with bestie who was only about five miles away. Instead, I accepted his apology and let him take me to dinner. I wasn't even hungry. I think I pitied him. He really didn't want me to go and the truth is we both were lonely.

I'm done with Rene. I can't even be his friend. He's in a shitty place and too much has been said and done. I'm not carrying this into my new year. I'm making peace with the situation and I'm moving forward. I don't regret allowing myself to be a part of his mess for as long as I did but I recognize just how toxic sticking around is for my own emotional health.

It's amazing just how much one person can affect us. Someone that doesn't really know you and doesn't really care to. Why does it hurt? Is there truth in what he says? Is it that him and I are similar in all the wrong ways? Or does he not know me enough to even pass judgement and the fact that he tries really angers and upsets me?


Someone sent me this quote this morning and it made me smile. So simple and so positive.

Happy New Year !!!

Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing. Believe in yourself. And believe that there is a loving Source - a Sower of Dreams - just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true.

Let's see what 2016 has got.

Tarot

Inspire me.
Open up doors and let me in
Show me who you really are
See my ambitious heart
Accept my vulnerability and angst
Trust my instincts and play off yours
Indulge me.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=10153007754296768&set=a.115627971767.97510.778681767&type=1&theater

And just like that...

It was over.

Almost eight months. Lies and deceit. I should've listened to my heart. I knew it all along and still went for the ride. I'm just disappointed that it's yet another failed relationship. What the fuck am I doing?

I refuse to let this ruin my year. Shame on him and shame on me.

Nothing lasts forever...

Apparently, I decided it was throw back Thursday and decided to do some online stalking of exes, people I completely fucked things up with and so forth. Why? Yeah, I dunno either. I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure I have some hormonal imbalance. It never fails, the week/week and a half before I start my period I go bananas. I don't want to go on birth control though. In March I will be 31. Lots of random feelings and thoughts have been going through my brain. I think when the new year starts I want to make it a point to write down a couple of my thoughts of the day. I did that once in high school and for about two years after high school. I would write on my little calendar what I did. It was fun, and depressing, to look back.

I was thinking about this year and I have to say it has been the best thus far. I went to lots of concerts, fell in love, learned how to be alone, distanced from those who aren't serving a purpose in my life, and kicked my best friendship into high gear. I let go on my apartment, I moved in with sissy, I lost my job, got offered a new one. I've been on so many flights, I gained confidence. I got more real with  myself, and everyone else as well. I've worked on my patience, and I've begun to let go. I've given lots of advice, shopped, and donated a ton.

I have to upload some pictures.

Sweet November

I've been so busy having fun and being in love that I haven't made time to blog. Man, so much has happened! First, October flew by. I felt as if I was waiting and agonizing over the distance between Sergio and myself. But before I even realized it, it was time for my trip! It was beautiful. I'm never going to forget that moment I first saw him. His face was chiseled and he looked so stern and confident in his uniform. He was literally about 100 ft away from the stands. We were aligned perfectly, literally and metaphorically. I was wearing this awesome Lauren Conrad deep blue lace back dress. My hair was blaring red with matching lips. I stuck out like a beautiful sore thumb. You know what felt the most special that day? Holding his hand. Sure, I wanted to jump in the sack with him but to just be around him and have him hold my hand meant the world to me!! Ugh. I can't get over it. We got to relax and talk. We took pictures and ate and just loved one another. We talked about marriage (eloping specifically!) and babies, where we wanna live and where he possibly could be stationed. Things are happening. It's happening fast. I feel like I'm going into it blindly, but I know I'm a strong person and I WILL succeed. I think the main thing that is on the forefront of my mind is finances. Right now, it makes no sense for me to leave my job that I'm just getting comfortable at and move somewhere that I am unfamiliar with and have no job. Him and I have talked and he's given me all his passwords and he has been open about his debt. I'm not trying to control. This is to get things in order. If anything, he can walk away and know I was one of the best things that ever happened to him. It's in my nature to be a healer, a giver, a provider. I always want to make things better. And I intend to.

Things have gotten easier in the sense that we are able to speak everyday on the phone. He is miserable and regrets this decision. It's hard for me to hear since I feel SO confident about what we have developed into. But every thing happens for a reason. This will help him no matter what. By the time he finishes AIT he will have a year under his belt. That means only three more. He can do this. We can do this. We have to be each others rock. I just want things to be ok. No wait, I want them to be more than just ok. That's what kills me. At this point, all I can do is listen and write. For now, that has to be enough.

I made a decision to make the trip out there for Thanksgiving. At first I was hesitant because it was $855 just for the flight. But you know what, I spend money all the time and rarely can remember what I use the money for. I technically had this money, and I'll never regret or forget what I used it for. This is important. He is now my family. Thanksgiving is about being grateful and surrounding yourself with those that you love most. He needs me and I need him and this is the right thing to do. My bills will be paid, maybe not at the rate that I had been planning, but they will be paid nonetheless.

I am abundant.

the morning of 11/9/12 ♥

October

Sheesh a roo! This month has flown by! Jammed packed with tons o' fun stuff. Lots of girlfriend time and looking forward to boyfriend time. I feel like I've been tested a LOT lately. Random run ins with high school crushes, hanging with friends that I haven't hung out with in a long time, and exes/flings that just won't go away.

But most of all....next week I get to see my honeypot ♥

Last month seemed agonizing. It's like it hit October and the days haven't stopped flying by! I'm not complaining, I'm glad it's going fast. Lots of introspection. My emotions are everywhere. I'm excited, nervous, scared. I just want to see him and just feel like we have fallen in love all over again. It's going to be nice to not be at work. I'm getting used to it there, but that really isn't saying much. I'm busting my tail to get ahead so I don't have to worry about my desk when I'm gone all next week. I refuse to worry. I'm going to be relaxing with my man and making the most of my short period of time with him.

EEK!

You are a cinema, I could watch you forever

Last night Jacks and I had a slumber party filled with pizza, choco molten cake and Beaches. Around 11:30pm I checked my Facebook and I see ↓ this ↓ picture posted to my page by his mother.

I had a moment. I  needed that moment. I swore to Jackie that I'm gonna fuck this man up when I see him next month. He looks sooooo good. I can't even handle it. I've reposted it twice and I've printed two copies of it. I feel so blessed. I booked my flight and car rental on Thursday. All that's left is booking the hotel and actually going!

♥ ::sigh:: ♥