Reminder

Keep an open mind

I didn't do half the shit I said I wanted to last year. Most were very simple too! Like learning how to play the harmonica or signing up for a cooking class. It's crazy to think that the only thing getting in my way is...me.

I don't know why I'm scared to just try something. I especially feel this way about working out. I signed up for the barre classes but never went. WHHHHY??!!?? Instead of beating myself up about it I decided that I'm going to just take a breath and keep an open mind. So I didn't do the class, it doesn't mean I won't ever do it. I'm tired of beating myself up about broken promises I've made to myself. I'm just going to keep positive and have faith that I will find that thing (or things) that I'm totally badass at and just go with it.

Believe

I should've went home last night after his apology. It was only 7pm and I could've met up with bestie who was only about five miles away. Instead, I accepted his apology and let him take me to dinner. I wasn't even hungry. I think I pitied him. He really didn't want me to go and the truth is we both were lonely.

I'm done with Rene. I can't even be his friend. He's in a shitty place and too much has been said and done. I'm not carrying this into my new year. I'm making peace with the situation and I'm moving forward. I don't regret allowing myself to be a part of his mess for as long as I did but I recognize just how toxic sticking around is for my own emotional health.

It's amazing just how much one person can affect us. Someone that doesn't really know you and doesn't really care to. Why does it hurt? Is there truth in what he says? Is it that him and I are similar in all the wrong ways? Or does he not know me enough to even pass judgement and the fact that he tries really angers and upsets me?


Someone sent me this quote this morning and it made me smile. So simple and so positive.

Happy New Year !!!

Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing. Believe in yourself. And believe that there is a loving Source - a Sower of Dreams - just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true.

Let's see what 2016 has got.

Tarot

Inspire me.
Open up doors and let me in
Show me who you really are
See my ambitious heart
Accept my vulnerability and angst
Trust my instincts and play off yours
Indulge me.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=10153007754296768&set=a.115627971767.97510.778681767&type=1&theater

And just like that...

It was over.

Almost eight months. Lies and deceit. I should've listened to my heart. I knew it all along and still went for the ride. I'm just disappointed that it's yet another failed relationship. What the fuck am I doing?

I refuse to let this ruin my year. Shame on him and shame on me.

Nothing lasts forever...

Apparently, I decided it was throw back Thursday and decided to do some online stalking of exes, people I completely fucked things up with and so forth. Why? Yeah, I dunno either. I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure I have some hormonal imbalance. It never fails, the week/week and a half before I start my period I go bananas. I don't want to go on birth control though. In March I will be 31. Lots of random feelings and thoughts have been going through my brain. I think when the new year starts I want to make it a point to write down a couple of my thoughts of the day. I did that once in high school and for about two years after high school. I would write on my little calendar what I did. It was fun, and depressing, to look back.

I was thinking about this year and I have to say it has been the best thus far. I went to lots of concerts, fell in love, learned how to be alone, distanced from those who aren't serving a purpose in my life, and kicked my best friendship into high gear. I let go on my apartment, I moved in with sissy, I lost my job, got offered a new one. I've been on so many flights, I gained confidence. I got more real with  myself, and everyone else as well. I've worked on my patience, and I've begun to let go. I've given lots of advice, shopped, and donated a ton.

I have to upload some pictures.

Sweet November

I've been so busy having fun and being in love that I haven't made time to blog. Man, so much has happened! First, October flew by. I felt as if I was waiting and agonizing over the distance between Sergio and myself. But before I even realized it, it was time for my trip! It was beautiful. I'm never going to forget that moment I first saw him. His face was chiseled and he looked so stern and confident in his uniform. He was literally about 100 ft away from the stands. We were aligned perfectly, literally and metaphorically. I was wearing this awesome Lauren Conrad deep blue lace back dress. My hair was blaring red with matching lips. I stuck out like a beautiful sore thumb. You know what felt the most special that day? Holding his hand. Sure, I wanted to jump in the sack with him but to just be around him and have him hold my hand meant the world to me!! Ugh. I can't get over it. We got to relax and talk. We took pictures and ate and just loved one another. We talked about marriage (eloping specifically!) and babies, where we wanna live and where he possibly could be stationed. Things are happening. It's happening fast. I feel like I'm going into it blindly, but I know I'm a strong person and I WILL succeed. I think the main thing that is on the forefront of my mind is finances. Right now, it makes no sense for me to leave my job that I'm just getting comfortable at and move somewhere that I am unfamiliar with and have no job. Him and I have talked and he's given me all his passwords and he has been open about his debt. I'm not trying to control. This is to get things in order. If anything, he can walk away and know I was one of the best things that ever happened to him. It's in my nature to be a healer, a giver, a provider. I always want to make things better. And I intend to.

Things have gotten easier in the sense that we are able to speak everyday on the phone. He is miserable and regrets this decision. It's hard for me to hear since I feel SO confident about what we have developed into. But every thing happens for a reason. This will help him no matter what. By the time he finishes AIT he will have a year under his belt. That means only three more. He can do this. We can do this. We have to be each others rock. I just want things to be ok. No wait, I want them to be more than just ok. That's what kills me. At this point, all I can do is listen and write. For now, that has to be enough.

I made a decision to make the trip out there for Thanksgiving. At first I was hesitant because it was $855 just for the flight. But you know what, I spend money all the time and rarely can remember what I use the money for. I technically had this money, and I'll never regret or forget what I used it for. This is important. He is now my family. Thanksgiving is about being grateful and surrounding yourself with those that you love most. He needs me and I need him and this is the right thing to do. My bills will be paid, maybe not at the rate that I had been planning, but they will be paid nonetheless.

I am abundant.

the morning of 11/9/12 ♥