....and then there was a text

Inhumane. Thats the first word that comes to mind when I think about Carlos leaving me high and dry without one apology. Not a text. Not an email. Not a letter nor a phone call. When I met him, he had been separated for four months. It's now been four months for us....how the hell did he even think about getting into a relationship with me after breaking up from a ten year relationship!?! How dare he fall in love with me. Shame on him.

I texted Kev the other day...no answer. All of his belongings are in a cabinet, in a room that I don't even sleep in. But I know its there. So I texted him today. He must still work at the bakery. He finally texted back thanking me for not tossing his shit and asking that I leave it outside for him to pick up tomorrow.

I want my answers, I texted him back saying that....no response. I have to let go once and for all.

I know I dreamt you...

Oh my blogness! So much to catch up on. I suppose I will spill about last Saturday's events. So, before class Nicole and I went to breakfast at Panera. It was cold and rainy and I was looking like I just had rolled outta bed...and I basically did. We finish breakfast and as I turn around to push in my chair, I see a woman sitting directly behind me in a booth all on her own making jewelry. My heart started to race. I felt a rush of anxiety hit me. This was the moment I had been expecting. I thought it was Maria.

I told Nicole who I thought it was, she asked me what I wanted to do. I can't live my life with those big "what-if" moments. It's just not in my character. I knew if I had left that place without approaching this woman I would regret it forever. So I told Nic that I had to approach her, she offered to stand there with me. I didn't know what I was going to say if it had been her, all  I knew was that if this mystery woman confirmed who I thought she was I was prepared to NOT go to class and sit with this woman and get some answers. I built up all the courage I could (this usually is not an issue for me since I rarely get embarrassed or intimidated) I approach the woman and politely apologize for interrupting her and I ask if her name is Maria. Well....it wasn't. The rush of blood to my head subsided and I thanked her and walked away. I wish I could say my hands were shaking because of the blustery weather, but alas, it was all nerves. It really shook me up.

Was this the universe preparing me for the day that I will run into him...or her....or them?

::sigh::

Single looks good on you!

....or so I've been told :) Tuesday night (November 9) I had my break up party. It would've marked our three year anniversary. I was in high spirits all day. I looked and felt great. I was surrounded by all my beautiful and strong girlfriends. I am so lucky. How could I be sad when I think about the awesome positive energy my friends provide for me. It was nice to be silly and make light of the situation. It was a great turnout and I brought some new friendships together.

Cheers Carlos!

Just breathe....

Everything will be alright, maybe not today, but eventually.

Only in my dreams....

Ay....I dreamt of Carlos last night. Even in my dream my heart hurt. It's weird, its like my subconscious even knew it had been a long time not seeing him. We were at some house having a get together, and then he showed up. He shaved off his mustache. That was his trademark. In my mind, I felt like he had done it to start anew. Then she showed up...its weird. I've never seen her in person, but I knew it was her. Him and I kind of went off on our own and I started to cry telling him I missed him and that he had made such a big mistake. We kissed and it felt so real. In my waking life, I had forgotten what it felt like to be kissed by him and this dream totally opened that warm feeling inside my heart all over again. Alas, it was only a dream. That will never be my reality. I'm ok with that, my ♥ will have to be as well.

Reunions...

It's after 2am, I just got back from a little reunion of sorts. I swear, I love FB. I got to see Royal Oaks kids, Northview kids and Duarte High folks. It was actually a pretty good turn out. It's crazy to see old familiar faces and here stories about what curve balls life has thrown at them. Old friends like these are like comfort food for my soul. They keep me grounded and are a constant reminder of where I came from and why I am who I am today. :)

On a side note, I'm totally having a foot-in-mouth moment. I regret being so open and honest with him, I feel like it was too much too soon. I apologized and he texted me "I accept your apology" and "don't trip" hmm....I'm having a Swingers moment. I'm overanalyzing the situation. Leave it alone already Robin!

Head Over Feet...

Oh.Emm.Gee....

Breathe Robin! Umm wow, he is amazing. In every which way. I know I've already said too much, but I couldn't help it! I love the way he looks into my eyes, his gorgeous smile, and I adore that protected feeling when his arms are wrapped around me. I wasn't expecting some thing like this to happen so soon. If anything I feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty.

Carlos left me, August 5, 2010 to be exact. But you know what, he obviously let go of me and what we had long before that. Is there an "x" amount of time that I'm supposed to be sitting around and waiting for? I'm not over how everything went down. In all honesty though, I cannot continue to hold on and a yearn for someone that really just doesn't want me back. Why would I even want someone so toxic in my life? What we had went out the window that nite when I walked outside and uncovered the truth. I could never hate Carlos, he was (is?) a good man. He was wonderful to me. Something changed along the way though, and it was mentally way beyond anything that him and I had going on. I pity him. I know he doesn't have the support system like I do.

So, as hard as it's going to be, I have to take this next one with a grain of salt. Affirmation is always so sweet. It's nice to hear just how beautiful and wonderful you are. Time will tell.