When one door closes...

another one opens. It's really scaryexcitingwonderful how you put something out into the Universe and then BAM! You get what your heart desires. It side swipes you and sometimes you literally are left breathless.

So yesterday at 2:56pm I got what I was slightly holding my breath for...a text. It was from him simply asking "do you dislike me?" Umm...no, but you definitely aren't my favorite person right now. I indulged and wrote back. He told me "it sounds gay, but I feel emo :/ " hmmm...ya think? The selfish part of me was happy to hear that he was hurting without me. Then I felt empty. You "wish" for something like that to occur, but who actually wins? If anything, it made me feel even more shitty. He went on to tell me that he is feeling "a wide range of emotions" I then wrote back and told him I understood where he was coming from. And then...that was it. Of course that completely effed up my afternoon, I kept anticipating another mystery text from him. Why? Who knows?! I'm a nosy rosy I guess. Maybe I liked that evil, shitty feeling I felt knowing that the situation finally got to him. I'm a bitch {smirk}

I took my nephews and sissy to JIPC and we played...and I gave in. Not only did I text him to find out what these wide range of emotions were, but I called. We spoke for about 20 minutes. It was a waste. Why did I do that? Ugh! I feel like he had the "one up" on me. I texted bestest and I text Shawn*, both were supportive as they possibly could be. I then went home and arrived by nine. Now I was mad. Now he had me thinking. I'm upset that I gave in. I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to vent.

Who do I call though?

Chris.

So I did just that...and I cried. He let me be upset. Things went around in circles. I wished him well and hung up. At this point the tears have dried and I'm just done. I'm done.

I take a shower to cool off so to speak. I end up talking on the phone with Shawn from after 10pm 'til 4am...yeah. Yeeeeeah.

*I don't even want to touch base on him yet. He is deserving of his own dedicated blog. Eek!

Meh

Yeah, so overall my three day weekend was pleasant. Caught up with some friends. Now it's just about 7pm on this Sunday. I'm sitting in my air conditioned apartment and I'm feeling....meh. I know, I'm totally emotional roller coaster with my moods. I don't want to cry or anything, but it's just me and my thoughts right now. I want to know if he is thinking of me. I want to know why he isn't knocking down my front door. I want to know how Carlos was able to just let go. Was it as easy as it appeared? ::sigh::

This is going to pass, I know. I need to stop with the self pity. I'm just having a moment though and I need to allow myself to feel this. It's going to make me stronger in the long run. It's tough when it's happening at the present moment. I know that book I'm currently reading will help me, and although I have the time to read it right now I guess I'm just not mentally prepared to absorb anything at this time. Maybe in an hour. ARRRGGH!

Life isn't bad. Things could be much worst. I think of two very easy "distractions" right now, but I don't even want to go there. First off, it's not what I really want. Secondly, it's just not fair to anyone in that situation. I'm upset. I dunno if that's much different than being mad, either way, I'm bothered. I feel like I just don't know what to do with myself. I know there are things I can do, I just don't want to.

I just want to be.

I was getting a new roll of toilet paper out of the linen closet and I saw a Disneyland photo holder. I pull it down and I look inside, it's a picture of Evan and Carlos on Splash Mountain. That was last July. Amazing. Another reminder where my life was and what it's become. That sounded bad. It's not. It's just crazy. Like crazy. I can't even be sad. I'm just at a loss for words, even for feelings. It's jumbled. I felt reminiscent. I felt a little bitter. I felt a little happy ( I think that's more just because they look so happy in the picture.)

Tomorrow's a new day, a new week. It won't be like this. It will never be like this again.

8:03pm
I need to get the fuck outta Dodge.

The Power of NOW

My bestest recommended that I read a book that she is currently reading called The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle. I must say, so far so good. I'm only about a third into it and I have this crazy get-outta-my-brain feeling. This guy definitely knows what he is talking about and I think it's giving me some much needed perspective. NOW is the time. NOW is all we have. I can no longer hold onto the past or worry about the future. I need to live in the moment because it's all that really matters. It's going to be challenging but I'm looking forward to it.

On a side note, I took Evan to see Kung Fu Panda 2 today. Amazing. Seeing this movie, reading this book and having tons of encouragement from my wonderful friends lets me know that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and EVERYTHING has it's time. My time is now.

5:33 AM

Dear Circadian Rhythm,

You can stop with this nonsense of making me wake up EVERY morning at 5:33am. I no longer need to be wakey wakey eggs & bakey that early. I'm in my own bed. So give me back my normal 45 minutes!

Today the Biffy and I are going to a jazz show at the Mexican Consulate, I'm stoked! I've never been. You know I'm a fan of the Latin folks :) Optimistic! Scratch that.

9:56pm
things::i::have::♥'d::i'm::allowed::to::keep...

-the way you would look at me with conviction and say “I love you”

-hewow

-morning snuggles

-robots

-charlie beaw

-our first kiss

-the initial spark

-my side of the bed

-your moms enchiladas

-muscle milk

-bed sores

-sweep sweeps

-hmmp!

-daily emails

-good night texts

-food

-piggy back rides

-‘what are you thinking?’

-20 questions

-ice cream truck

-asking to pick your shirt

-baby talk

-hearing your dreams

-Sunday funday

-just breathe

-trees

-your love for pups and babies

- :o

-your arms

-you licking your lips

-patience

-holding hands

-your scent

-your whole heart, not just the pointy part

-music

-making love

-friendship

-money fairy

-creature of habit

-date night

-endless pictures

-your good memory

-laughing

-siwwy

-stupendous days

-venting

-mcnuggets

-surprises

-unbrushed hair

-loving you.

Bitter, party of one

No really, I'm ok. I think it just hit me right now, the reality of why Chris and I broke up. He wasn't an asshole at all about it, but just thinking what he actually said is really starting to sink in. The man admitted that he would not "chase" after me if we were to break up. Basically, I'm not worth fighting for. But he's in love with me. Oh, and he thinks I'm amazing...but...I'm not worthy of a pursuit. Hmm...

Looking back, I suppose I might have made things too easy. Or did I? I believe I was just being myself. Apparently nowadays that doesn't cut it. So let's go over the facts:

1. Carlos and I break up out of nowhere...August 2010
2. Chris and I meet the day after Christmas...December 2010
3. Chris and I break up because he's concerned that he won't want me if we were to hypothetically break up...June 2011

Well then, call me butter 'cause I'm on a roll. Shall I go for lucky #3 breakup by my one year anniversary of Carlos and I? {insert sarcasm}

This is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. It stings. As a good friend told me over dinner and drinks last night, where there's one there's 500 behind him. It's true.

♥all.we.have.is.now♥

p.s. The following is why I ADORE my friends. I was venting moments ago to a friendly of mine and this was what she had to say:

He likes you when you’re there but if you weren’t there he wouldn’t seek you out because he doesn’t want to be that vulnerable to need you. Probably why he keeps it friendly and not emotionally deep.

Its not that you’re not worth going after. We have no literal amount of worth. We have individual estimations of worth. To him you are not as valuable to him as his freedom to do what he wants and be a fool. To someone else you are the moon and stars. You cant let his estimation of your worth skew your estimation of your worth.

It's not me, it's you

So that's it. 6/19/11. Only a week and a half shy of us being involved for six months. Be careful what you wish for I suppose. It was over before it really ever began. I've never had a breakup like this before. It was so mature. It still hurts though...a lot.

What began as a normal round of "what are you thinking about?" turned into us breaking up. I have to remind myself that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. If I am such a wonderful person that has done so much for you and you ARE in love with me, then why am I not worth fighting for? I do take this personally. I feel like I've done something wrong. At the moment, I feel all cried out. It will hurt less as the days pass by.

I hope you find what I've left you, I know you will when the time is right.
Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today but eventually.