Meh

Yeah, so overall my three day weekend was pleasant. Caught up with some friends. Now it's just about 7pm on this Sunday. I'm sitting in my air conditioned apartment and I'm feeling....meh. I know, I'm totally emotional roller coaster with my moods. I don't want to cry or anything, but it's just me and my thoughts right now. I want to know if he is thinking of me. I want to know why he isn't knocking down my front door. I want to know how Carlos was able to just let go. Was it as easy as it appeared? ::sigh::

This is going to pass, I know. I need to stop with the self pity. I'm just having a moment though and I need to allow myself to feel this. It's going to make me stronger in the long run. It's tough when it's happening at the present moment. I know that book I'm currently reading will help me, and although I have the time to read it right now I guess I'm just not mentally prepared to absorb anything at this time. Maybe in an hour. ARRRGGH!

Life isn't bad. Things could be much worst. I think of two very easy "distractions" right now, but I don't even want to go there. First off, it's not what I really want. Secondly, it's just not fair to anyone in that situation. I'm upset. I dunno if that's much different than being mad, either way, I'm bothered. I feel like I just don't know what to do with myself. I know there are things I can do, I just don't want to.

I just want to be.

I was getting a new roll of toilet paper out of the linen closet and I saw a Disneyland photo holder. I pull it down and I look inside, it's a picture of Evan and Carlos on Splash Mountain. That was last July. Amazing. Another reminder where my life was and what it's become. That sounded bad. It's not. It's just crazy. Like crazy. I can't even be sad. I'm just at a loss for words, even for feelings. It's jumbled. I felt reminiscent. I felt a little bitter. I felt a little happy ( I think that's more just because they look so happy in the picture.)

Tomorrow's a new day, a new week. It won't be like this. It will never be like this again.

8:03pm
I need to get the fuck outta Dodge.