Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.- Oprah Winfrey

I rarely eat bagels.

They are delish, yes, and I love smothering them with flavored cream cheeses....but I just rarely eat them. I've read and heard from many people that the caloric intake (along with all that cream cheese) is HUGE! So, once I found that out I just kinda stopped.

Why is it that I can't seem to do that with other foods, like basically any fast food? Better yet, why can't I let go of other things in my life that I've been holding on to? One day will I just wake up and just let go? Could it really be that simple? I suppose I'll find out sooner than later.

As my 29th year is coming to an end, I'm getting ready to embrace 30. I'm not beating myself up because I don't have X,Y & Z by now but I am amazed how stubborn and forceful I can come off. I want things my way. Will I ever just have to settle? I have this picture in my mind as to how things are "supposed" to be and I just don't see things happening that way. But I've made peace with it. It's fine. I'd rather not have hit certain milestones in life than to have done them in vain, or better yet, with the wrong person. This year, I definitely am determined. As I count down my 30 last days here at work and I get ready for my 30th birthday, I have excitement in my heart. There is so much I want (and plan!) on doing. I'm travelling, be it near or far, alone or in a group. I'm going to be responsible but not fearful. I will have gumption. I won't be scared. I will take risks. I will dive into my life feet first. I will continue to love myself. I'm getting a tattoo with sis. I will finish at PCC. I will be proud of the person I am, strengths and weaknesses. I will be a woman of the nineties.

10:11AM...

I've officially submitted my 30 day notice to my apartment manager. I will no longer be an Arcadia resident effective March 1, 2012.

Back On Track

Often I sit at my desk at work and think about running. Like, between the hours of 7am and 330pm I just get this urge to get up and be active. Of course, I feel this way because I have to stay sedentary at my dual monitored desk. Once I'm out of work, I come home and plop on the couch. I have stuffs on my mind and decided to be productive tonight though and I got dressed and went to the Arcadia high school track. I recently found my Ipod and I finally learned how to sync the music from my computer to my Ipod. I downloaded all my Sia and decided its time to try that puppy out!

Yeah, so I go to the track and start my walk. I tell myself I'm going to walk at least one complete album. I almost made it. While walking, I remembered that the last time I was attempting to be healthy I would go to that track (with Mr. Hale of course) and then I started to think of where I've come since then. Of course I start thinking about what's going on in my life now and I started to quicken my pace. Then it hit me, Sia's lyrics: ♫ Throw away yesterday, today is a brand new day ♫ and I swear to you, it seemed as though the lights on the field got brighter and I felt at ease. I love how her music just does that for me.

Something has got to give. I'm totally changing subjects and I don't care. So, today Rosemary read my tarot cards. This is the second time that she has done so. Pretty spot on. Without reading too much into it, it summed up what's going on with my life now. Exes (well, Danny) that won't go away...a loss of a job....a move...new opportunities and prospects. I try not to take things like that too seriously but I'm such a sucker!

Yesterday I met him. I never have met a guy that's been on the same page as me. He came off strong as did I. I loved it. When we first met, I didn't think things would get that intense. The night prior we stayed up until 3 am talking and texting. We decided why wait and just meet Monday. So we did. It was magical. I felt alive. I felt appreciated and adored. I didn't want to leave. I was so turned on! I felt respected and anxious. Feelings I haven't felt in quite some time. It's hard to think logically and to just put the brakes on when you're actually in the situation. We texted throughout today but it doesn't seem the same. I know, I need to relax. It kinda bummed me out because I started to really think maybe I haven't made as much progress emotionally as I thought. Maybe I have. Who knows. Either way, I have to not take everything so personally. I need to just take it "one day at a time." Whatevers supposed to happen will.

Patience? What patience?

Bet Your Bottom Dollar

I love phrases like "bet your bottom dollar" or "I bet you dollar to doughnuts" I dunno, these just make me happy and then I feel like googling them to find out the origin. I was hitting up my office quarter suppliers for some change in exchange for some crisp dolla dolla bills and when I opened up my coin purse and saw it. That $1 bill that I've had for years now. It's literally the last dollar I consistently have on me.

When Carlos and I were dating I would randomly ask him for a dollar. No specific reason, we may even had just been home. I guess I would just try and be cute and one time he fell for it. He gave me a dollar out of his pocket and I swore to never use it unless it was an absolute emergency. I have come across many hard weeks. I've still never used it. Weird. Kinda sweet too. Some things we just can't let go of, even if the significance has changed. I took a picture of it with my phone and of course it doesn't want to get through.

On another note, this week has been long. Just ridiculously long and draining. How can so many things happen within a seven day period?! I'm thankful though. I made it through, and so have you because you're reading this.

Big things are happening!

A Day To Remember

Yesterday I was so caught up with all the events of the day that I didn't get a chance to write. Although, I really wanted and needed to.

It was a big day. Finding out not so pleasant news is hard, especially from a loved one. As I always say though, everything will be ok maybe not today but eventually.

Yesterday was the first day I spoke to Luis. He seems nice enough. :)

Absinthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Ugh. Yuck. Blah.

I was doing good, soooo good. After work I went to go visit Veronica and we walked to the coffee shop. I printed out the emails between Chris and I. It was nice to just unload. Her place is beautiful. Around 7:15 I met up at the Brass with Alex. Hmm, I think that's a first and last on many accounts.

First off, he looks homeless. Like, missing teeth, shaggy salt n' pepper hair and matching beard. He just looked a little crackish. I know, I'm horrible...and honest. Well, seeing how it was so early, there were only like 6 people in the bar. I had my first vodka tonic and then we were each presented with a shot....of absinthe. Some frequent bar patron bought a round for everyone. I hate absinthe. I've had it one. I hate that black licorice/anise taste. But, to be kind, I took the shot. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I hadn't ate much of a breakfast or lunch earlier and I hadn't had dinner either. Almost immediately, I felt that shot. And then I ordered another vodka tonic. So, I'm buzzin'. We finish and I tell him I have to go. My mind and heart were racing. This mantra of "I will not drunk text! I will not drunk text!" raced through my thoughts. I drove to Jack in the Box. I ordered. And. I. Drunk. Text...Chris :(

Epic fail. I suppose it could've been a lot worse. I just told him I wish we would have spent one more night together. Followed that up with an I'm sorry I've been drinking. He was kind. He texted back that it was no problem and if I was driving to be safe. I came home, called Gio and sobbed for an hour. It was good to get it out. I tried to call Chris. It went to a message saying that he was on the phone. THANK GOD I didn't leave a message.

That was yesterday, this is today. I cannot change last night. I've learned my lesson. I rarely if ever drunk dial, I'm just gonna go ahead and blame the absinthe. They say that drink supposedly makes you think lucid thoughts. I just got cray. I'm so glad I have great, non judgemental friends. It was a good, long over due cry.

All better.

Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart

I was hoping I would see him, think he looked cute and then just move on from the evening. But no, he walked outta his room and I almost had to catch my breath. He looked amazing. He has been working out even more, his waist is smaller, upper body and arms are more toned. I immediately smiled and then he smiled and it was this cute kinda innocent “I'm glad to see you” look we both gave one another. His mom said bye and said “Ohhh mi hijo is so handsome” and I replied “Oh my, please don’t get me started haha. Yes, your son is extremely handsome” and I just looked at him. We ended up at some dive bar by his house. The way he looked at me, it almost felt like we were meeting again for the first time. It was positive. He interrupted me and told me that he really loved me. I was like “Ummm ok, like how?” and he said, “I'm always gonna have love for you, I'll always care for you” and then I reminded him that I will also always love him. I did most the talking, catching him up. He's even more introverted. He rarely says he sees friends, he works out and just does things on his own. He texted a few times, I don’t want to assume but I wouldn’t be shocked if he was seeing someone. I was proud of myself. I was very honest. I felt good. I realized though that so much time has gone by, I wanted him physically but our emotional connection isn’t the same. I'm not in love with him, but the nostalgia confused me. I did want to spend the night, but I know that was just me lusting. We flirted with words a little. There was a lot of deep looks and silences. I know I cant be with this person. We are on two diff levels. The respect is still very much there. We both kinda admitted that the attraction is there and we wouldn’t mind taking things back to his house, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He said “robin, the friends with benefits things never works out, and I could never just f*ck someone I care so much about” I felt rejected. Knowing that he knew how much I wanted him last night. But as I'm sitting here now, I know that that’s what was supposed to happen. That was our fate. It feels good to know he respects me and what we had. We left the bar after 1130 and I drove him home. He offered to fix my headlight that went out and I said no. he said he enjoyed hanging out and hope we could do it again, I just looked at him and told him I doubt that that’s gonna happen. I stopped in front of his casa and we just looked at each other, he hugged me very tight and kissed me on the cheek….THAT killed me. It brought me back two years ago, to that last kiss Carlos ever gave me. It’s the “I care for you but not romantically” sweet kiss. I hugged him tight and said it was nice seeing him but I knew this was gonna be it and he said “no I'm sure we will hang out sooner than you think”. I drove off and realized I didn’t give him his bday card. I came back and told him to come outside. This time I got outta the car and we just held one another so tight. I didn’t want either one of us to let go. I remember looking up at the sky and the night was so clear, I could see stars and even some clouds. I love nights where you can still see the clouds out. We just stood there and looked at one another. I knew this was the final goodbye, we hugged again, he grabbed my face kissed my forehead, my cheek and then my lips. We gave one more never-let-go hug and I walked away. I got in the car and drove off….my eyes began to sting and before I even got to the end of the street I literally spoke to myself and said “no Robin, this is not worth crying over” it was so late and I knew everyone was asleep. My friend Gabe was up so I called him and he let me vent. I feel proud, a little sad, a little rejected, at ease and ready to really let go.

Maybe its too soon or maybe I'm just one of those people that just can't be friends with an ex. I just cant and wont do it. Ive received my answers. I've tested myself and the situation. I need to leave the past in the past. This is the best last memory I could ever have with him.

Numbers

My sister is obsessed with the number 4. It's the day of our birth, it was her and Glen's anniversary number, etc. I have a hang up with this number as well now. My birthday is March 4 (which by the way is 60 days away! BIG 30!) Chris's birthday is December 4. He asked me to be his girlfriend on April 4 (4/4- he said it signified both of us) Yeah. I love it. Today is January 4, today I am seeing Chris after a few months. I have no expectations. The people I have told are surprised my demeanor is so calm. I have brushed off Denise for so long now so last week I agreed to see her today. I was debating whether or not to let Chris know. We don't communicate at all, and that seems to be working best for us. But, Chris having the big heart that he does, decides to text me Happy/Merry holidays. I was pretty sure he was going to text "Happy New Year" to me, and that he did. At 12:07 to be exact. The flirt texts began, we haven't texted/exchanged words like that since we were together. I decided to throw it out there there I would be in Pico on Wednesday and offered to take him out for a drink to catch up. He agreed. So here we are. I'm at work, my mind is racing, my tummy's in knots. I have to be Robin full force tonight. Things could go one of two ways...or maybe a combo? Number one-we see one another, the spark is still there, we flirt the night away and end up having amazing sex and I spend the night only to wake up and probably not see or talk to him 'til I get the "Happy Birthday" text...in 60 days. Number two- we meet up, I see him. We catch up and are sincerely happy to have had the moment. I see him and I feel at peace, not a longing to be with him in anyway.

Guess we will see how it goes.

Happy New Year!

It was a great evening...

Friends & Family came...

I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way with anyone else...

Cheers 2012, the best has yet to come!