Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart

I was hoping I would see him, think he looked cute and then just move on from the evening. But no, he walked outta his room and I almost had to catch my breath. He looked amazing. He has been working out even more, his waist is smaller, upper body and arms are more toned. I immediately smiled and then he smiled and it was this cute kinda innocent “I'm glad to see you” look we both gave one another. His mom said bye and said “Ohhh mi hijo is so handsome” and I replied “Oh my, please don’t get me started haha. Yes, your son is extremely handsome” and I just looked at him. We ended up at some dive bar by his house. The way he looked at me, it almost felt like we were meeting again for the first time. It was positive. He interrupted me and told me that he really loved me. I was like “Ummm ok, like how?” and he said, “I'm always gonna have love for you, I'll always care for you” and then I reminded him that I will also always love him. I did most the talking, catching him up. He's even more introverted. He rarely says he sees friends, he works out and just does things on his own. He texted a few times, I don’t want to assume but I wouldn’t be shocked if he was seeing someone. I was proud of myself. I was very honest. I felt good. I realized though that so much time has gone by, I wanted him physically but our emotional connection isn’t the same. I'm not in love with him, but the nostalgia confused me. I did want to spend the night, but I know that was just me lusting. We flirted with words a little. There was a lot of deep looks and silences. I know I cant be with this person. We are on two diff levels. The respect is still very much there. We both kinda admitted that the attraction is there and we wouldn’t mind taking things back to his house, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He said “robin, the friends with benefits things never works out, and I could never just f*ck someone I care so much about” I felt rejected. Knowing that he knew how much I wanted him last night. But as I'm sitting here now, I know that that’s what was supposed to happen. That was our fate. It feels good to know he respects me and what we had. We left the bar after 1130 and I drove him home. He offered to fix my headlight that went out and I said no. he said he enjoyed hanging out and hope we could do it again, I just looked at him and told him I doubt that that’s gonna happen. I stopped in front of his casa and we just looked at each other, he hugged me very tight and kissed me on the cheek….THAT killed me. It brought me back two years ago, to that last kiss Carlos ever gave me. It’s the “I care for you but not romantically” sweet kiss. I hugged him tight and said it was nice seeing him but I knew this was gonna be it and he said “no I'm sure we will hang out sooner than you think”. I drove off and realized I didn’t give him his bday card. I came back and told him to come outside. This time I got outta the car and we just held one another so tight. I didn’t want either one of us to let go. I remember looking up at the sky and the night was so clear, I could see stars and even some clouds. I love nights where you can still see the clouds out. We just stood there and looked at one another. I knew this was the final goodbye, we hugged again, he grabbed my face kissed my forehead, my cheek and then my lips. We gave one more never-let-go hug and I walked away. I got in the car and drove off….my eyes began to sting and before I even got to the end of the street I literally spoke to myself and said “no Robin, this is not worth crying over” it was so late and I knew everyone was asleep. My friend Gabe was up so I called him and he let me vent. I feel proud, a little sad, a little rejected, at ease and ready to really let go.

Maybe its too soon or maybe I'm just one of those people that just can't be friends with an ex. I just cant and wont do it. Ive received my answers. I've tested myself and the situation. I need to leave the past in the past. This is the best last memory I could ever have with him.