Tuesday, February 28, 2012
This Is Only Right Now
This is the second song that came to mind last night. I love the lyrics. Basically, they break up and she sings about they know the reason why they broke up. I love her voice. I'm also just being as positive as I can be. Next week Jackie and I are going to see her perform at the Hotel Cafe. I'm excited, she's excited. It will be a good night. ♥
Monday, February 27, 2012
....and on the 571st day, she ran into him....
Seriously, this day shall forever be remembered. I have the weirdest luck. I don't even know if luck is the correct word. I feel like I have strong intuition. The universe does give us signs and tell us stuff. Clearly, my time is up in Arcadia.
I've been nostalgic with the passing of Carlos bday and the whole idea of moving. Last week I was on edge and this week my mind is everywhere. I have to by out of my apartment by Thursday, and my last day of work is on Friday. It's my second week of school and Sunday is my 30th birthday. I am all up in my head, but I can't cry. I'm sure one day I'll get around to doing it, but I can't pencil it in these last few days of February.
Yesterday Jackie and I were in the car and she was applauding me on how far I've come emotionally. I told her I know everything has its time and place in this world and I acknowledged the fact that up until this point, I hadn't run into Carlos for a reason. Be it emotionally I was or wasn't ready, or what have you. Today I got myself out of bed and dragged myself into work. Around 9am I get a text from Deondra asking me if Maria had a daughter or a son. I reply that it was a girl who is now in college. I then ask her why she's curious to know. Apparently Neal ran into Carlos at Smart and Final on Sunday...with a blond and a baby boy...that Carlos introduced as his son.
His son.
His SON.
I was shocked. My heart pounding hard and I literally couldn't catch my breath. All I could do was let out a big "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!!" at my cubby. Neal thinks he was just playing the part and that the kid's probably was just the girls. Per my calculations, if this child was his, he got her pregnant shortly after we called it quits. AND if it ISN'T his kid, he's fucking in love because the kid was a baby and he must have met this girl right after she gave birth, he got attached to her and the kid and now their all a family. Either scenario is crazy. I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I couldn't and I didn't. His life no longer serves any purpose to me. I attempted to go on with my day, but of course it was on the back on my mind.
So, I go home, pick up my books and rush to school. The teacher lets us out at 7pm and I'm in a good mood and as over it as I'm going to be. I decide I'm going to be healthy and go to Trader Joes for a salad and some weekly snacks. I decide to call Jackie while I'm in the store, my hands are full and I'm crouched down trying to grab the perfect container of banana choco chip muffins. I stand up, turn around and I see what I've been waiting to see for over a year and a half.
Carlos. Ray. Hale.
I dunno if he saw me, but I sure as hell saw him. It was undeniably him. I know a female was with him, but everything fuzzed out. I immediately started to shake and I scampered to hide in another aisle. I was basically hyperventilating. All I can say to Jackie is "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGG" and I tell her I need out of that store. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I was talking ABOUT HIM when I was on the phone with her when I saw him! What if he heard! I set my food down and practically ran out of the store. I'm shaking and I get into my car and just take off.
I can't cry, I don't even want to. It's just unbelievable that this is my life. I've waited for that moment for so long. I did the right thing by just leaving. In a sense, its like a sigh of relief. I knew that first encounter was bound to happen, I just didn't know when or how. I surely didn't think I was going to get this Carlos double whammy. But like everything else in life, it had to happen this way.
"Pictures of You" by The Cure was playing in the store. le sigh.
I've been nostalgic with the passing of Carlos bday and the whole idea of moving. Last week I was on edge and this week my mind is everywhere. I have to by out of my apartment by Thursday, and my last day of work is on Friday. It's my second week of school and Sunday is my 30th birthday. I am all up in my head, but I can't cry. I'm sure one day I'll get around to doing it, but I can't pencil it in these last few days of February.
Yesterday Jackie and I were in the car and she was applauding me on how far I've come emotionally. I told her I know everything has its time and place in this world and I acknowledged the fact that up until this point, I hadn't run into Carlos for a reason. Be it emotionally I was or wasn't ready, or what have you. Today I got myself out of bed and dragged myself into work. Around 9am I get a text from Deondra asking me if Maria had a daughter or a son. I reply that it was a girl who is now in college. I then ask her why she's curious to know. Apparently Neal ran into Carlos at Smart and Final on Sunday...with a blond and a baby boy...that Carlos introduced as his son.
His son.
His SON.
I was shocked. My heart pounding hard and I literally couldn't catch my breath. All I could do was let out a big "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!!" at my cubby. Neal thinks he was just playing the part and that the kid's probably was just the girls. Per my calculations, if this child was his, he got her pregnant shortly after we called it quits. AND if it ISN'T his kid, he's fucking in love because the kid was a baby and he must have met this girl right after she gave birth, he got attached to her and the kid and now their all a family. Either scenario is crazy. I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I couldn't and I didn't. His life no longer serves any purpose to me. I attempted to go on with my day, but of course it was on the back on my mind.
So, I go home, pick up my books and rush to school. The teacher lets us out at 7pm and I'm in a good mood and as over it as I'm going to be. I decide I'm going to be healthy and go to Trader Joes for a salad and some weekly snacks. I decide to call Jackie while I'm in the store, my hands are full and I'm crouched down trying to grab the perfect container of banana choco chip muffins. I stand up, turn around and I see what I've been waiting to see for over a year and a half.
Carlos. Ray. Hale.
I dunno if he saw me, but I sure as hell saw him. It was undeniably him. I know a female was with him, but everything fuzzed out. I immediately started to shake and I scampered to hide in another aisle. I was basically hyperventilating. All I can say to Jackie is "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGG" and I tell her I need out of that store. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I was talking ABOUT HIM when I was on the phone with her when I saw him! What if he heard! I set my food down and practically ran out of the store. I'm shaking and I get into my car and just take off.
I can't cry, I don't even want to. It's just unbelievable that this is my life. I've waited for that moment for so long. I did the right thing by just leaving. In a sense, its like a sigh of relief. I knew that first encounter was bound to happen, I just didn't know when or how. I surely didn't think I was going to get this Carlos double whammy. But like everything else in life, it had to happen this way.
"Pictures of You" by The Cure was playing in the store. le sigh.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Kettle Corn
Monday off, thanks Mr. President(s)
Attempted to "clean" the apartment. Opted for 100 calorie kettle corn and diet cherry 7up.
and...
Marley & Me :)
Attempted to "clean" the apartment. Opted for 100 calorie kettle corn and diet cherry 7up.
and...
Marley & Me :)
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Yeah, he went there.
Yesterday was Valentine's and it actually was a good day. Dinner and drinks with my Boo's. I wanted to have the glory of officially ending it with David so I text him that I wished him well and that I will cut my losses with the sweater and movie I had left behind. Five hours later he text me back asking if he "missed something." Hmm...yea, your chance with me. I basically told him that I want someone in my life that is ready and willing to participate in getting to know one another and not someone that's going to disappear on the weekends. He proceeded to send me a picture of him paint covered hands expressing how hard he's been working with the hotel renovations. Cry me a river. Then, the texts stopped. This evening I get a text from him asking if he could call me. So he did and we spoke for about 20 minutes. We rehashed my passive aggressive text messages and talked about him using his busy work schedule as a crutch. He felt the need to tell me that even though he's been getting messages and winks online that maybe I was onto something when I told him he may just not be ready for anything. He then told me he is seriously thinking about moving back up to San Francisco. It took a lot for me to not laugh or literally call bullshit on his ass. Wow. That's a 34 year old man folks. Oh, I guess this is the part that I should be thankful that he even attempted to get a hold of me. Hmm....as far as I'm concerned, I was done yesterday. But you see, I'm too damn nice.
On a side note, I stumbled across Joanna Newsom on Youtube. I've heard of her before. She plays the harp! Her voice is very ethereal. Very Kate Bush meets Feist.
I'm no good at this.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Choose Your Adventure
I remember my brother used to have these books called Choose Your Adventure, or it was something along those lines. Anyhow, you would start a story off and then you would come to a crossroads in the book. From that point you would have to choose where you wanted the story to go. The idea was genius.
Just like those books, life is equally as unpredictable. There is something magical about the unknown. It's the anxiety, the uncertainty and almost an uneasiness about it all. I know, I need to be more present. But what happens if you are in the moment and you still feel blah? You can't help to reflect on the past or hope for the future. I've come to realize, I'm human just like anyone else. I have feelings and emotions. Unlike and ex or two that I know, I'm not a fucking robot. (smile)
I don't want to even necessarily know what happens. I need to learn to let go a little easier. I think my hang up is that I trust to easy. There are a lot of things in my life that I have no middle ground with. For the most part, I believe life (at least mine) is black and white.
I have to be ok with the gray. Ironically, today is extremely gloomy.
Just like those books, life is equally as unpredictable. There is something magical about the unknown. It's the anxiety, the uncertainty and almost an uneasiness about it all. I know, I need to be more present. But what happens if you are in the moment and you still feel blah? You can't help to reflect on the past or hope for the future. I've come to realize, I'm human just like anyone else. I have feelings and emotions. Unlike and ex or two that I know, I'm not a fucking robot. (smile)
I don't want to even necessarily know what happens. I need to learn to let go a little easier. I think my hang up is that I trust to easy. There are a lot of things in my life that I have no middle ground with. For the most part, I believe life (at least mine) is black and white.
I have to be ok with the gray. Ironically, today is extremely gloomy.
Friday, February 10, 2012
4:36am
This is the time that I woke up tossing and turning from my bad dream. It was about him and I being involved and his two co workers that I guess you could consider his "work wives."
It bothered me. I didn't get consistent sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock. I also told myself that the time was going to be the title of today's blog.
Obviously, I stayed at his house again last night. Jacks was right, he should've called and told me to hang out with him because he cancelled his date with his other match person. Sissy came over after work and I was so tired from the previous nights drinks and late night romp. Seven rolled around and surprisingly, he did text. He asked if I was busy and if I would like to join him for dinner. I was game. It felt nice. I felt like he was making up for Sunday's fuck up.
The night before when I had gone over we went for drinks at The Blue Room in Burbank. It was a perfect Wednesday evening. The bar was empty, the furniture was a teal 1950's reupholstered throw back. We were the only ones in the bar. The bartender gave me money and I owned the jukebox. We ordered food from the place next door. A few more guys came in, so I was the only lady. I held my own with the boys. It was sweet and fun and carefree. David and I got on the topic of his upcoming Match date. He could tell I was a little bothered. Already I was having iffy feelings because he burned me on Sunday by not communicating with me properly. I understood that he made this date before I was in the picture. I have no control over what he does, and really, its not my business. I laid the ground rules since we are sleeping with one another and he gave me his word that he would adhere. Talk is cheap, I need action.
We went to his house and had another drink, he was buzzed. I started to kiss him and do a favor. He stopped me telling me I was better than that. He didn't want to make "this about this." It was endearing to hear. We kissed more and he mumbled and I told him to tell me what's on his mind. He was hesitant but grabbed my face, kissed me told me how beautiful and great I am and that he doesn't want me to date anyone else or want anyone else. Was this just the alcohol talking? Or was this the liquor induced honest to goodness truth? Either way, I was flattered and actually I didn't know how to answer. He continued to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am and he looked at me in my eyes and said he didn't want to go on that date tomorrow and that he wasn't going to. I just said ok and we went to bed.
So, as I stated before, he did ask me over last night. I wasn't going to bring up the fact that he cancelled or did whatever to get outta that date. He did bring it up though. He said he just told her he had a long day. I of course asked if it had anything to do with me. I'm not sure if he rescheduled. Either way, that serves me no purpose. He had two very long, stressful days at work and decided to spend the evening with me. I told him I can tell he is at wits with himself. Like, he wants the relationship, the connection. But just as he said, I'm not sure if he wants the responsibility that goes along with it. The consideration he would have to put forth. Maybe its too much for him? Maybe he's scared? Maybe it really is that simple and I'm over analyzing like I always do.
Something doesn't feel right. I hate to nit pick. Our "flow" seems off. I'm just really trying to be open minded and level headed about all of this. I have to. I have no choice. I mean, if I want to keep seeing him I have to. He's a catch. He knows it. I think he likes the whole being able to flirt with no repercussions thing. It's nerve racking.
I'm tired.
It bothered me. I didn't get consistent sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock. I also told myself that the time was going to be the title of today's blog.
Obviously, I stayed at his house again last night. Jacks was right, he should've called and told me to hang out with him because he cancelled his date with his other match person. Sissy came over after work and I was so tired from the previous nights drinks and late night romp. Seven rolled around and surprisingly, he did text. He asked if I was busy and if I would like to join him for dinner. I was game. It felt nice. I felt like he was making up for Sunday's fuck up.
The night before when I had gone over we went for drinks at The Blue Room in Burbank. It was a perfect Wednesday evening. The bar was empty, the furniture was a teal 1950's reupholstered throw back. We were the only ones in the bar. The bartender gave me money and I owned the jukebox. We ordered food from the place next door. A few more guys came in, so I was the only lady. I held my own with the boys. It was sweet and fun and carefree. David and I got on the topic of his upcoming Match date. He could tell I was a little bothered. Already I was having iffy feelings because he burned me on Sunday by not communicating with me properly. I understood that he made this date before I was in the picture. I have no control over what he does, and really, its not my business. I laid the ground rules since we are sleeping with one another and he gave me his word that he would adhere. Talk is cheap, I need action.
We went to his house and had another drink, he was buzzed. I started to kiss him and do a favor. He stopped me telling me I was better than that. He didn't want to make "this about this." It was endearing to hear. We kissed more and he mumbled and I told him to tell me what's on his mind. He was hesitant but grabbed my face, kissed me told me how beautiful and great I am and that he doesn't want me to date anyone else or want anyone else. Was this just the alcohol talking? Or was this the liquor induced honest to goodness truth? Either way, I was flattered and actually I didn't know how to answer. He continued to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am and he looked at me in my eyes and said he didn't want to go on that date tomorrow and that he wasn't going to. I just said ok and we went to bed.
So, as I stated before, he did ask me over last night. I wasn't going to bring up the fact that he cancelled or did whatever to get outta that date. He did bring it up though. He said he just told her he had a long day. I of course asked if it had anything to do with me. I'm not sure if he rescheduled. Either way, that serves me no purpose. He had two very long, stressful days at work and decided to spend the evening with me. I told him I can tell he is at wits with himself. Like, he wants the relationship, the connection. But just as he said, I'm not sure if he wants the responsibility that goes along with it. The consideration he would have to put forth. Maybe its too much for him? Maybe he's scared? Maybe it really is that simple and I'm over analyzing like I always do.
Something doesn't feel right. I hate to nit pick. Our "flow" seems off. I'm just really trying to be open minded and level headed about all of this. I have to. I have no choice. I mean, if I want to keep seeing him I have to. He's a catch. He knows it. I think he likes the whole being able to flirt with no repercussions thing. It's nerve racking.
I'm tired.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I Know
I know this isn't a mistake. I know what I'm possibly getting myself into. I know I may get hurt. I know I can't gripe about the situation. I know I have to be patient.
I also know that this magnetic attraction is no coincidence. I know he is what I want. I know I'm what he wants. I know it's so soon. I know I can't stay away.
I will remain present.
I also know that this magnetic attraction is no coincidence. I know he is what I want. I know I'm what he wants. I know it's so soon. I know I can't stay away.
I will remain present.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
30
I feel like this number is haunting me. In fact, its not even "30" anymore. See, the beginning of this month it was the 30 day notice to my apartment manager. Then it was the official 30 day countdown to the last day at work. Then it was the anticipation of my 30th bday coming up. After the excitement of all this, reality has sunk in. I have no motivation at work. My apartment is a mess and I really haven't started to sift through anything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of 29. But, all of this is the inevitable. Life is happening and whether I like it our not, I have to carry on.
I have so much on my mind. I need to be ok with the idea of crying. I'm just keeping my spirits up by surrounding myself with the wonderful, positive friends.
This is only right now Robin.
I have so much on my mind. I need to be ok with the idea of crying. I'm just keeping my spirits up by surrounding myself with the wonderful, positive friends.
This is only right now Robin.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Daily Inspiration
This was the message bestest sent out this morning. I liked it, it hit home. They usually do.
Our barriers to love are rarely consciously chosen. They are our efforts to protect the places where the heart is bruised…
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
"I Got Home Ok"
Geezus. My heart is racing. I can't even get over this. Goodness, I hope I look back on this blog and be like "really Robin, again?!"
So I met David last night. We went to Lucky Baldwin's in Pasadena. From the moment I saw him, I knew I dug his style and the person he represented. My goodness. You put out energy into the universe, you make sure EVERYONE knows what exactly it is you want, and then it happens....and when it does it kind of takes you back and you say to yourself "all of a sudden."
I'm breathing, its been one night. An amazing night. A night without sleep. A night chuck full of positive energy and attraction. I need to step back. This is good, this has potential. The man analyzed my signature. He's got swag!
BREAAAAAAAATHE! ::eek!::
So I met David last night. We went to Lucky Baldwin's in Pasadena. From the moment I saw him, I knew I dug his style and the person he represented. My goodness. You put out energy into the universe, you make sure EVERYONE knows what exactly it is you want, and then it happens....and when it does it kind of takes you back and you say to yourself "all of a sudden."
I'm breathing, its been one night. An amazing night. A night without sleep. A night chuck full of positive energy and attraction. I need to step back. This is good, this has potential. The man analyzed my signature. He's got swag!
BREAAAAAAAATHE! ::eek!::
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