Seriously, this day shall forever be remembered. I have the weirdest luck. I don't even know if luck is the correct word. I feel like I have strong intuition. The universe does give us signs and tell us stuff. Clearly, my time is up in Arcadia.
I've been nostalgic with the passing of Carlos bday and the whole idea of moving. Last week I was on edge and this week my mind is everywhere. I have to by out of my apartment by Thursday, and my last day of work is on Friday. It's my second week of school and Sunday is my 30th birthday. I am all up in my head, but I can't cry. I'm sure one day I'll get around to doing it, but I can't pencil it in these last few days of February.
Yesterday Jackie and I were in the car and she was applauding me on how far I've come emotionally. I told her I know everything has its time and place in this world and I acknowledged the fact that up until this point, I hadn't run into Carlos for a reason. Be it emotionally I was or wasn't ready, or what have you. Today I got myself out of bed and dragged myself into work. Around 9am I get a text from Deondra asking me if Maria had a daughter or a son. I reply that it was a girl who is now in college. I then ask her why she's curious to know. Apparently Neal ran into Carlos at Smart and Final on Sunday...with a blond and a baby boy...that Carlos introduced as his son.
His son.
His SON.
I was shocked. My heart pounding hard and I literally couldn't catch my breath. All I could do was let out a big "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!!" at my cubby. Neal thinks he was just playing the part and that the kid's probably was just the girls. Per my calculations, if this child was his, he got her pregnant shortly after we called it quits. AND if it ISN'T his kid, he's fucking in love because the kid was a baby and he must have met this girl right after she gave birth, he got attached to her and the kid and now their all a family. Either scenario is crazy. I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I couldn't and I didn't. His life no longer serves any purpose to me. I attempted to go on with my day, but of course it was on the back on my mind.
So, I go home, pick up my books and rush to school. The teacher lets us out at 7pm and I'm in a good mood and as over it as I'm going to be. I decide I'm going to be healthy and go to Trader Joes for a salad and some weekly snacks. I decide to call Jackie while I'm in the store, my hands are full and I'm crouched down trying to grab the perfect container of banana choco chip muffins. I stand up, turn around and I see what I've been waiting to see for over a year and a half.
Carlos. Ray. Hale.
I dunno if he saw me, but I sure as hell saw him. It was undeniably him. I know a female was with him, but everything fuzzed out. I immediately started to shake and I scampered to hide in another aisle. I was basically hyperventilating. All I can say to Jackie is "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGG" and I tell her I need out of that store. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I was talking ABOUT HIM when I was on the phone with her when I saw him! What if he heard! I set my food down and practically ran out of the store. I'm shaking and I get into my car and just take off.
I can't cry, I don't even want to. It's just unbelievable that this is my life. I've waited for that moment for so long. I did the right thing by just leaving. In a sense, its like a sigh of relief. I knew that first encounter was bound to happen, I just didn't know when or how. I surely didn't think I was going to get this Carlos double whammy. But like everything else in life, it had to happen this way.
"Pictures of You" by The Cure was playing in the store. le sigh.
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