TGIF. ::whew::
What a week! What a past TWO weeks! Not my two favorite weeks, but hey, we all have our not so good ones every once in a while. The month is speeding by. The holidays are near. I've made it a point to not say "I wish this year was over" because I don't. We all have a tendency to do that...wish we could speed things up. It's important that we don't have that capability though. I can honestly say that my good days totally out number my bad. When we have "bad" days it puts things into perspective and helps us realize just how good our life really is. Things could always be worse.
Wednesday I found out I didn't get the promotion. I was bummed that afternoon and yesterday, but talking to a few of my nearest and dearest, I realize that I haven't lost anything from that situation. I am still gainfully employed. There is still possibilities in the future. Above all else, something better is in store for me. I truly believe this. When it comes to work, I've always had such good luck. So, I'm not going to force anything, but I will be keeping my eyes and ears open for new opportunities. I've always had a keen sense as to when my time is done where I've worked, and I think not getting the new positive just made me stop and think "wow, as of August 14, I've been here 5 years with no movement!" I think that is what I got bummed out the most about. But hey, like I said, I'm still employed, they value me and my work and I know new and better things are on the horizon. In addition, I thought about how much vacation time I've accrued. I almost never call out sick and I rarely take days off, let alone plan vacations. In 2012, that will be changing. I have three back to back months worth of trips, and I'm beyond elated! March is my 30th bday (eek!) so my sissy myself and bestest will be heading up north to San Fran for the weekend. April my sissy and I are going to Kauai for a week to visit her best friend. May is my girlfriend cruise to the Bahamas....annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, Calvin wants to go to Spain in June (this one is iffy.)
Bottom line is, I have come to the conclusion that it's ok when things don't work out how we would've liked. Jobs, relationships...they all go hand in hand. What we want is not always what we need. So let it sting a little, let yourself hurt for a while...but not for too long. There's so much to be happy about and to be thankful for. :)
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Don't Look Back In Anger
I'm...so...tired
::yawn::
Last night I decided to play sleep over at sissy's casa. Kimi's staying with her and I had the wonderful idea of hitting up The Chatterbox for a Monday nightcap. That place, sheesh. We had a good time, we laughed, and oddly enough the little black rain cloud that has been hovering my heart has disappeared. :)
I remembered that bestie's cousin that she was telling me about worked there and sure enough he walked in, and sure enough I said hello! Super sweet guy, it's always nice to make new friends. I don't know what I was thinking going out on a Monday night though. I didn't get into bed until almost 1am and now I'm paying the price. It was nice to get my mind off things.
“Although I express myself with some degree of pleasantry, the purport of my words is entirely serious.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson
::yawn::
Last night I decided to play sleep over at sissy's casa. Kimi's staying with her and I had the wonderful idea of hitting up The Chatterbox for a Monday nightcap. That place, sheesh. We had a good time, we laughed, and oddly enough the little black rain cloud that has been hovering my heart has disappeared. :)
I remembered that bestie's cousin that she was telling me about worked there and sure enough he walked in, and sure enough I said hello! Super sweet guy, it's always nice to make new friends. I don't know what I was thinking going out on a Monday night though. I didn't get into bed until almost 1am and now I'm paying the price. It was nice to get my mind off things.
“Although I express myself with some degree of pleasantry, the purport of my words is entirely serious.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson
Friday, October 21, 2011
>:|
I'm angry today. So upset that I want to cry. This has been a rough week. I'm going to pout, and I'm going to let myself cry. I've been so upbeat lately, sooooo positive and I've felt great. But, today is just an off day and I've accepted that. And you know what, I'm allowed to have a few days like this. I'm allowed to sulk and be upset that things aren't going the way I would like.
Work is aggravating. Changes within the workplace that were unbeknown to me are now arising. I can deal with change pretty well, but I don't like it when people just pass the buck out of laziness. Then there's my personal life. I would like to believe I'm a damn good person. Many would agree. Why is it that I feel like things aren't going my way? It's because "my way" isn't what was written in the stars. I want to vent to certain people. I want to cry and tell them how much they have hurt me and ask them how they could ever imagined putting me through certain things. I want to know why she never contacted me after all that drama went down. I know she knows how to get a hold of me. I know it's in her to be the bigger person. We are alike in the sense that we call people out with a letter/email/text just so the issue can be addressed and things can be mended. Blood is thicker than water apparently and human kindness is kicked out of the picture.
I want to know why he never apologized for what he did to me. I don't know who's ego was more bruised, his or mine? I want to ask why he couldn't be the man I thought he was. Could he really have been lying not only to me but to himself for that long? A part of me wants to know the "real" story, but I know I'll never get that. Even if he did attempt to tell me, I don't know at this point if I'd even believe anything he would say to me. It's hard for me to deal with the fact that we are in some ways still connected. He has a lot of nerve.
I hesitate even writing this one, because I already have the answer. Why was I not enough? I actually should rephrase that....why was I not enough for you? I know who I am, what I'm capable of giving and what I know I deserve in return. Maybe I should just fool myself into believing that this isn't me but you. There is probably a lot of truth in that statement. So cliche, and honestly it is the chicken shit way out of not having to express how you truly feel not only to me but most importantly, yourself. Why didn't you show up at my front door with roses and an engagement ring? Instead, you did that for someone that made you feel without. Someone that literally laughed in your face. Someone that was undeserving of such a special, meaningful moment. Someone that has forever scarred you. Still, you refuse to let go completely letting yourself mask the feelings and remind yourself of her presence with random forget-me-nots throughout your room. I love you, but you are so transparent. Laugh away your feelings, continue to bottle them up. No girl will ever fill that gapping hole in your heart. You and I both know it. Learn to open up. I could've been that outlet. You lost me.
Lesson learned, trust in that. That precious heart on my sleeve is slowly becoming hardened. I honestly don't even know what I want anymore. I mean, ideally, I'd love to meet someone that sweeps me off my feet. Someone that wants to date me, to really get to know me. Someone that is vulnerable. I loathe power trips but to be honest, having control of a situation feels good. It's disgusting to know you have someones heart in the palm of your hands and you chose to play with it. I'm not saying I want to do that, but I am saying it would be nice for it NOT to be my heart.
There you have it, in all of these three cases, it's no longer my heart. I pray for all three of these individuals as well as myself. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing.
This is just right now. Tomorrow will be different. It will be great.
Work is aggravating. Changes within the workplace that were unbeknown to me are now arising. I can deal with change pretty well, but I don't like it when people just pass the buck out of laziness. Then there's my personal life. I would like to believe I'm a damn good person. Many would agree. Why is it that I feel like things aren't going my way? It's because "my way" isn't what was written in the stars. I want to vent to certain people. I want to cry and tell them how much they have hurt me and ask them how they could ever imagined putting me through certain things. I want to know why she never contacted me after all that drama went down. I know she knows how to get a hold of me. I know it's in her to be the bigger person. We are alike in the sense that we call people out with a letter/email/text just so the issue can be addressed and things can be mended. Blood is thicker than water apparently and human kindness is kicked out of the picture.
I want to know why he never apologized for what he did to me. I don't know who's ego was more bruised, his or mine? I want to ask why he couldn't be the man I thought he was. Could he really have been lying not only to me but to himself for that long? A part of me wants to know the "real" story, but I know I'll never get that. Even if he did attempt to tell me, I don't know at this point if I'd even believe anything he would say to me. It's hard for me to deal with the fact that we are in some ways still connected. He has a lot of nerve.
I hesitate even writing this one, because I already have the answer. Why was I not enough? I actually should rephrase that....why was I not enough for you? I know who I am, what I'm capable of giving and what I know I deserve in return. Maybe I should just fool myself into believing that this isn't me but you. There is probably a lot of truth in that statement. So cliche, and honestly it is the chicken shit way out of not having to express how you truly feel not only to me but most importantly, yourself. Why didn't you show up at my front door with roses and an engagement ring? Instead, you did that for someone that made you feel without. Someone that literally laughed in your face. Someone that was undeserving of such a special, meaningful moment. Someone that has forever scarred you. Still, you refuse to let go completely letting yourself mask the feelings and remind yourself of her presence with random forget-me-nots throughout your room. I love you, but you are so transparent. Laugh away your feelings, continue to bottle them up. No girl will ever fill that gapping hole in your heart. You and I both know it. Learn to open up. I could've been that outlet. You lost me.
Lesson learned, trust in that. That precious heart on my sleeve is slowly becoming hardened. I honestly don't even know what I want anymore. I mean, ideally, I'd love to meet someone that sweeps me off my feet. Someone that wants to date me, to really get to know me. Someone that is vulnerable. I loathe power trips but to be honest, having control of a situation feels good. It's disgusting to know you have someones heart in the palm of your hands and you chose to play with it. I'm not saying I want to do that, but I am saying it would be nice for it NOT to be my heart.
There you have it, in all of these three cases, it's no longer my heart. I pray for all three of these individuals as well as myself. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing.
This is just right now. Tomorrow will be different. It will be great.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Playing Nice
I'm the first one to tell you that the whole 'exes as friends' thing DOESN'T work. I mean, there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part my belief is true.
There are exes I know that wouldn't want to be my friend even if I was the last person on Earth. Yeah, I'm ok with that. Wow, I seriously began to write something not nice about both of them and decided to erase! haha. Anyhow, then there's the not so distant ex that I just can't be friends with. He seems to be ok with the idea, but I just can't go there. Maybe someday...today isn't that day. Neither is tomorrow. Or next week.
Finally, we have the ex that is rarely mentioned. In a sense, I've felt very opposite personality-wise from every guy I've been involved with. This particular ex really was (and still is) the polar opposite of me. He is much taller, much bigger and more Mexican than I could ever pretend to be. When him and I were involved people would look at us and give us the strangest looks. Friends at times asked me if I was scared to be with him, implying that he looked like he might beat me due to my feisty attitude (some things never change *wink*). He never did beat me. He rarely even raised his voice at me. If anything, I had the man wrapped around my midget sized pinky. He adored me. I was mean to him, because, well....I could. I know. Sounds awful. Throw your stones if you will!
Things didn't end too horribly with us. It was a convoluted relationship to begin with. There was a lot of giving and not necessarily enough reciprocating. This wasn't just materialistically. It was a time of transition as well. I was around 20 years old. My grandmother just died from breast cancer I was in school and I just started in the insurance biz. I was just beginning to learn more about myself. We fought a lot towards the end. His job took him cross country and I've never been good with the long distance stuff. We grew apart, and then there was Peter...the ex I consider my first "real" boyfriend. The one I took home to meet the family, the one that first showed me how a girlfriend is supposed to be treated. I fucked that one up, but it was intentional. I'm getting sidetracked!!
So, the ex I have been talking to got suggested to me on Facebook. I was pleasantly surprised to see he had a page so I gave him a poke. He poked back. I poked again. There was a lot of pokes. :) Finally, he added me and we got to talking. He's back in town and now has 3 (yes, THREE!) children. Oh, what's that you asked? Are they from three different women? OF COURSE! haha. This is where I remind you readers that I was like 20 when I dated this guy! Anyhow, he's doing great, taking care of his responsibilities and wants to go back to school. He is going to be out in *El Monte tonight ::shiver:: and he's going to pick up his eldest son. He invited me over to say hello to his family and go eat tacos at this place he claims to have the best tacos ever. Yeah, Tacos Zavala is the name. Hmmm. :/
I'm excited! I don't know if this is someone I can even call a friend. An old acquaintance seems more fitting. I'm not attracted to him, but it will be nice to see him and his family and play catch up. Adding tacos to the mix is just the cherry on top :)
Monte foo', don't trip! haha
*remind me to tell you about my El Monte theory someday
There are exes I know that wouldn't want to be my friend even if I was the last person on Earth. Yeah, I'm ok with that. Wow, I seriously began to write something not nice about both of them and decided to erase! haha. Anyhow, then there's the not so distant ex that I just can't be friends with. He seems to be ok with the idea, but I just can't go there. Maybe someday...today isn't that day. Neither is tomorrow. Or next week.
Finally, we have the ex that is rarely mentioned. In a sense, I've felt very opposite personality-wise from every guy I've been involved with. This particular ex really was (and still is) the polar opposite of me. He is much taller, much bigger and more Mexican than I could ever pretend to be. When him and I were involved people would look at us and give us the strangest looks. Friends at times asked me if I was scared to be with him, implying that he looked like he might beat me due to my feisty attitude (some things never change *wink*). He never did beat me. He rarely even raised his voice at me. If anything, I had the man wrapped around my midget sized pinky. He adored me. I was mean to him, because, well....I could. I know. Sounds awful. Throw your stones if you will!
Things didn't end too horribly with us. It was a convoluted relationship to begin with. There was a lot of giving and not necessarily enough reciprocating. This wasn't just materialistically. It was a time of transition as well. I was around 20 years old. My grandmother just died from breast cancer I was in school and I just started in the insurance biz. I was just beginning to learn more about myself. We fought a lot towards the end. His job took him cross country and I've never been good with the long distance stuff. We grew apart, and then there was Peter...the ex I consider my first "real" boyfriend. The one I took home to meet the family, the one that first showed me how a girlfriend is supposed to be treated. I fucked that one up, but it was intentional. I'm getting sidetracked!!
So, the ex I have been talking to got suggested to me on Facebook. I was pleasantly surprised to see he had a page so I gave him a poke. He poked back. I poked again. There was a lot of pokes. :) Finally, he added me and we got to talking. He's back in town and now has 3 (yes, THREE!) children. Oh, what's that you asked? Are they from three different women? OF COURSE! haha. This is where I remind you readers that I was like 20 when I dated this guy! Anyhow, he's doing great, taking care of his responsibilities and wants to go back to school. He is going to be out in *El Monte tonight ::shiver:: and he's going to pick up his eldest son. He invited me over to say hello to his family and go eat tacos at this place he claims to have the best tacos ever. Yeah, Tacos Zavala is the name. Hmmm. :/
I'm excited! I don't know if this is someone I can even call a friend. An old acquaintance seems more fitting. I'm not attracted to him, but it will be nice to see him and his family and play catch up. Adding tacos to the mix is just the cherry on top :)
Monte foo', don't trip! haha
*remind me to tell you about my El Monte theory someday
Monday, October 17, 2011
Pumpkin Hill
I have a really good long term memory. One of the best memories of being a little kid was my parents taking us three kids to the drive in on a frequent basis. We had a minivan and my dad would take out the middle seat and turn the back one in the opposite direction. We'd go to Target and buy a large canister of red vines and pack up the car with all our pillows and blankets. Such a sweet memory!
Yesterday was my first trip to the Cal Poly Pomona pumpkin patch. The night before was Hollywood Glam Night 2011 so my mind was a little hazy but I couldn't miss this adventure! Nic and the girls picked me up a little after 8:30am and we were off to pick up Nina. Parking at the pumpkin patch, or as the twinks would say "Pumpkin Hill", was packed. It was such a wonderful feeling to be doing something so sweet at almost 30 years old. I wish my parents had taken us here when we were kids. There were pumpkins galore, food and vendors selling miscellaneous things. Saffron, Sage and baby Stella were in their lovely Halloween costumes and they looked adorable!
I'm so blessed to have been able to share the girls' pumpkin patch experience!
Thank you for letting me share this memory Nicole, I love you sugar plum!
Yesterday was my first trip to the Cal Poly Pomona pumpkin patch. The night before was Hollywood Glam Night 2011 so my mind was a little hazy but I couldn't miss this adventure! Nic and the girls picked me up a little after 8:30am and we were off to pick up Nina. Parking at the pumpkin patch, or as the twinks would say "Pumpkin Hill", was packed. It was such a wonderful feeling to be doing something so sweet at almost 30 years old. I wish my parents had taken us here when we were kids. There were pumpkins galore, food and vendors selling miscellaneous things. Saffron, Sage and baby Stella were in their lovely Halloween costumes and they looked adorable!
I'm so blessed to have been able to share the girls' pumpkin patch experience!
Thank you for letting me share this memory Nicole, I love you sugar plum!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
989
novecientos ochenta nueve
نه صد هشتاد و نه
novecento ottanta nove
九百八十九
Dziewięć set osiemdziesiąt dziewięć
nio hundra åttio nio
เก้าร้อยร้อยแปดสิบเก้า
Nine hundred eighty-nine
The number of emails you ever sent me.
نه صد هشتاد و نه
novecento ottanta nove
九百八十九
Dziewięć set osiemdziesiąt dziewięć
nio hundra åttio nio
เก้าร้อยร้อยแปดสิบเก้า
Nine hundred eighty-nine
The number of emails you ever sent me.
Monday, October 10, 2011
What God brought together, let no man tear apart...
No matter what I say or do, no matter how logical or foolish my words or actions may be...she stands strong by my side. She lifts me up whenever I fall and she always knows how to put a positive spin on things. We are different in so many ways, but we share the same heart. She's not just a best friend, but a sister. Our bond is stronger than ever before and its getting better with each and every passing day. She places no judgement and continues to be the positive reinforcement in my every decision. Thank you for today's advice my little sunshine: Follow your ♥ even when it's wrong, it's leading you to something right."
So I did.
So I did.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Ha! I rarely win things...until this morning! For some odd reason, I needed a Diet Coke this morning. So I made my office mate (I always loved the sound of that) to go downstairs with me. We noticed some reps from Hotels.com were outside of the lobby shop trying to get people to sign up for their website. Well, all I saw were the potential prizes which included potential free rooms, a sewing kit, a magic 8 ball and....a Flip camera. So I signed up virtually and played "spin the wheel" online. Guess what I won!?! :)
♥ Just the beginning of my awesome Friday! Can't wait to see how tonight goes ;)
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Guarded Heart
Sometimes it's easier to live the lie.
It's starting to feel very crisp out. As I was leaving school last night I thought about the upcoming holidays. I felt excited (and chilly.) I even slept with socks on, which I never do. There has been change in my heart and now I'm seeing my surroundings change. I love change. Change is good.
Today was my interview for Medical Only examiner. I know I did well. I went in with a peaceful mind and I put my best foot forward. It's now out of my hands. Whether or not I get the position is irrelevant. I put myself out there and I did well. I am finally starting to feel peace within my heart. I see or hear certain things, and it doesn't sting as much, if at all.
So much ahead of me, so much behind. Thank God for every success, for every failure, for every relationship and for every change.
It's starting to feel very crisp out. As I was leaving school last night I thought about the upcoming holidays. I felt excited (and chilly.) I even slept with socks on, which I never do. There has been change in my heart and now I'm seeing my surroundings change. I love change. Change is good.
Today was my interview for Medical Only examiner. I know I did well. I went in with a peaceful mind and I put my best foot forward. It's now out of my hands. Whether or not I get the position is irrelevant. I put myself out there and I did well. I am finally starting to feel peace within my heart. I see or hear certain things, and it doesn't sting as much, if at all.
So much ahead of me, so much behind. Thank God for every success, for every failure, for every relationship and for every change.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Never Compare, Never Compete
Sissy and I had a slumber party last night and we made sure to pass our little red house. Yesterday's message was: never compare, never compete.
Sheesh.
Seriously, whomever is writing these is ALWAYS on point! This immediately made me think of both Carlos and Chris. More Carlos I guess. I say that because with Carlos I always felt like I was competing with the ghost of Maria and inevitably I felt like I was comparing with both of my beloveds exes. This isn't their fault though, this was all me. Luckily, by the time I was with Chris I didn't have the same mindset as I did with Carlos. Either way, I love little quotes that are really applicable to my life. Makes me feel as if that message was somehow supposed to be relayed to me at that exact moment.
I'm sending an anonymous Christmas card to that house during the holidays...and possibly a pound of See's choco's ♥
Sheesh.
Seriously, whomever is writing these is ALWAYS on point! This immediately made me think of both Carlos and Chris. More Carlos I guess. I say that because with Carlos I always felt like I was competing with the ghost of Maria and inevitably I felt like I was comparing with both of my beloveds exes. This isn't their fault though, this was all me. Luckily, by the time I was with Chris I didn't have the same mindset as I did with Carlos. Either way, I love little quotes that are really applicable to my life. Makes me feel as if that message was somehow supposed to be relayed to me at that exact moment.
I'm sending an anonymous Christmas card to that house during the holidays...and possibly a pound of See's choco's ♥
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