>:|

I'm angry today. So upset that I want to cry. This has been a rough week. I'm going to pout, and I'm going to let myself cry. I've been so upbeat lately, sooooo positive and I've felt great. But, today is just an off day and I've accepted that. And you know what, I'm allowed to have a few days like this. I'm allowed to sulk and be upset that things aren't going the way I would like.

Work is aggravating. Changes within the workplace that were unbeknown to me are now arising. I can deal with change pretty well, but I don't like it when people just pass the buck out of laziness. Then there's my personal life. I would like to believe I'm a damn good person. Many would agree. Why is it that I feel like things aren't going my way? It's because "my way" isn't what was written in the stars. I want to vent to certain people. I want to cry and tell them how much they have hurt me and ask them how they could ever imagined putting me through certain things. I want to know why she never contacted me after all that drama went down. I know she knows how to get a hold of me. I know it's in her to be the bigger person. We are alike in the sense that we call people out with a letter/email/text just so the issue can be addressed and things can be mended. Blood is thicker than water apparently and human kindness is kicked out of the picture.

I want to know why he never apologized for what he did to me. I don't know who's ego was more bruised, his or mine? I want to ask why he couldn't be the man I thought he was. Could he really have been lying not only to me but to himself for that long? A part of me wants to know the "real" story, but I know I'll never get that. Even if he did attempt to tell me, I don't know at this point if I'd even believe anything he would say to me. It's hard for me to deal with the fact that we are in some ways still connected. He has a lot of nerve.

I hesitate even writing this one, because I already have the answer. Why was I not enough? I actually should rephrase that....why was I not enough for you? I know who I am, what I'm capable of giving and what I know I deserve in return. Maybe I should just fool myself into believing that this isn't me but you. There is probably a lot of truth in that statement. So cliche, and honestly it is the chicken shit way out of not having to express how you truly feel not only to me but most importantly, yourself. Why didn't you show up at my front door with roses and an engagement ring? Instead, you did that for someone that made you feel without. Someone that literally laughed in your face. Someone that was undeserving of such a special, meaningful moment. Someone that has forever scarred you. Still, you refuse to let go completely letting yourself mask the feelings and remind yourself of her presence with random forget-me-nots throughout your room. I love you, but you are so transparent. Laugh away your feelings, continue to bottle them up. No girl will ever fill that gapping hole in your heart. You and I both know it. Learn to open up. I could've been that outlet. You lost me.

Lesson learned, trust in that. That precious heart on my sleeve is slowly becoming hardened. I honestly don't even know what I want anymore. I mean, ideally, I'd love to meet someone that sweeps me off my feet. Someone that wants to date me, to really get to know me. Someone that is vulnerable. I loathe power trips but to be honest, having control of a situation feels good. It's disgusting to know you have someones heart in the palm of your hands and you chose to play with it. I'm not saying I want to do that, but I am saying it would be nice for it NOT to be my heart.

There you have it, in all of these three cases, it's no longer my heart. I pray for all three of these individuals as well as myself. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing.

This is just right now. Tomorrow will be different. It will be great.