Nothing lasts forever...

Apparently, I decided it was throw back Thursday and decided to do some online stalking of exes, people I completely fucked things up with and so forth. Why? Yeah, I dunno either. I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure I have some hormonal imbalance. It never fails, the week/week and a half before I start my period I go bananas. I don't want to go on birth control though. In March I will be 31. Lots of random feelings and thoughts have been going through my brain. I think when the new year starts I want to make it a point to write down a couple of my thoughts of the day. I did that once in high school and for about two years after high school. I would write on my little calendar what I did. It was fun, and depressing, to look back.

I was thinking about this year and I have to say it has been the best thus far. I went to lots of concerts, fell in love, learned how to be alone, distanced from those who aren't serving a purpose in my life, and kicked my best friendship into high gear. I let go on my apartment, I moved in with sissy, I lost my job, got offered a new one. I've been on so many flights, I gained confidence. I got more real with  myself, and everyone else as well. I've worked on my patience, and I've begun to let go. I've given lots of advice, shopped, and donated a ton.

I have to upload some pictures.

Sweet November

I've been so busy having fun and being in love that I haven't made time to blog. Man, so much has happened! First, October flew by. I felt as if I was waiting and agonizing over the distance between Sergio and myself. But before I even realized it, it was time for my trip! It was beautiful. I'm never going to forget that moment I first saw him. His face was chiseled and he looked so stern and confident in his uniform. He was literally about 100 ft away from the stands. We were aligned perfectly, literally and metaphorically. I was wearing this awesome Lauren Conrad deep blue lace back dress. My hair was blaring red with matching lips. I stuck out like a beautiful sore thumb. You know what felt the most special that day? Holding his hand. Sure, I wanted to jump in the sack with him but to just be around him and have him hold my hand meant the world to me!! Ugh. I can't get over it. We got to relax and talk. We took pictures and ate and just loved one another. We talked about marriage (eloping specifically!) and babies, where we wanna live and where he possibly could be stationed. Things are happening. It's happening fast. I feel like I'm going into it blindly, but I know I'm a strong person and I WILL succeed. I think the main thing that is on the forefront of my mind is finances. Right now, it makes no sense for me to leave my job that I'm just getting comfortable at and move somewhere that I am unfamiliar with and have no job. Him and I have talked and he's given me all his passwords and he has been open about his debt. I'm not trying to control. This is to get things in order. If anything, he can walk away and know I was one of the best things that ever happened to him. It's in my nature to be a healer, a giver, a provider. I always want to make things better. And I intend to.

Things have gotten easier in the sense that we are able to speak everyday on the phone. He is miserable and regrets this decision. It's hard for me to hear since I feel SO confident about what we have developed into. But every thing happens for a reason. This will help him no matter what. By the time he finishes AIT he will have a year under his belt. That means only three more. He can do this. We can do this. We have to be each others rock. I just want things to be ok. No wait, I want them to be more than just ok. That's what kills me. At this point, all I can do is listen and write. For now, that has to be enough.

I made a decision to make the trip out there for Thanksgiving. At first I was hesitant because it was $855 just for the flight. But you know what, I spend money all the time and rarely can remember what I use the money for. I technically had this money, and I'll never regret or forget what I used it for. This is important. He is now my family. Thanksgiving is about being grateful and surrounding yourself with those that you love most. He needs me and I need him and this is the right thing to do. My bills will be paid, maybe not at the rate that I had been planning, but they will be paid nonetheless.

I am abundant.

the morning of 11/9/12 ♥

October

Sheesh a roo! This month has flown by! Jammed packed with tons o' fun stuff. Lots of girlfriend time and looking forward to boyfriend time. I feel like I've been tested a LOT lately. Random run ins with high school crushes, hanging with friends that I haven't hung out with in a long time, and exes/flings that just won't go away.

But most of all....next week I get to see my honeypot ♥

Last month seemed agonizing. It's like it hit October and the days haven't stopped flying by! I'm not complaining, I'm glad it's going fast. Lots of introspection. My emotions are everywhere. I'm excited, nervous, scared. I just want to see him and just feel like we have fallen in love all over again. It's going to be nice to not be at work. I'm getting used to it there, but that really isn't saying much. I'm busting my tail to get ahead so I don't have to worry about my desk when I'm gone all next week. I refuse to worry. I'm going to be relaxing with my man and making the most of my short period of time with him.

EEK!

You are a cinema, I could watch you forever

Last night Jacks and I had a slumber party filled with pizza, choco molten cake and Beaches. Around 11:30pm I checked my Facebook and I see ↓ this ↓ picture posted to my page by his mother.

I had a moment. I  needed that moment. I swore to Jackie that I'm gonna fuck this man up when I see him next month. He looks sooooo good. I can't even handle it. I've reposted it twice and I've printed two copies of it. I feel so blessed. I booked my flight and car rental on Thursday. All that's left is booking the hotel and actually going!

♥ ::sigh:: ♥

Nineteen Seconds

He called me at 2:47pm and we literally spoke for only nineteen seconds. He is officially at basic training and I could hear it was super busy in the background. He basically told me that he loves me, missing me, and that he is safe. We hung up and my eyes burned from the tears.

:'(

Annnnnnnnnnnnd....then I checked the mail and received a letter from him. :)

First Dance

I was at his house and I told him how I always loved this song. I told him when we get married I want this to be our first dance. It was late and kinda warm in his apartment. It was dark and there was only a glow from the TV. So, we turned on this song and we danced. I will forever remember that moment.

I can't wait to do that same dance in front of our loved ones.

Today I got not one but two letters from him. It's so high school/locked up I love it. He wrote me how he was feeling about us and I felt as if we connected more than ever. This shit's legit.

Sam the Ranch Hand

There he is, in all his glory. Sam hitch hiked to Idaho after his father passed away. His mom took off with some piece of shit actor. Sam found a home at the Hamilton ranch. This was where he was supposed to be, and he knew it. :)

I love Finding Sky. Well, I loved it up to the part where Sky goes back to LA. When I saw this film for the first time, I fell in love with it. It's very coming of age. Sky's part was very believable. The best part was my beloved Sam De La Cruz. ♥le sigh♥

Frankie texted me today telling me that the break up with Johnny has been tough and was wondering how I was doing with Sergio being gone. So far, so good. He asked how I deal with the distance and what I do to keep my spirits high. I told him I think about Sergio all day. I look at pictures, I watch his YouTube videos and the goodbye video I took on my phone. I call and text him everyday telling him how much I care and how my day is going. I just stay positive.

I have the movie on right now, I think I'm kind of obsessed, but in a good non crazy way. My heart aches just thinking about him. I remember the day he wore the infamous plaid shirt. I was sitting in the living room and he walked into the room wearing the hat and buttoning up the shirt and he said "ahhh..I think I'll just wear this today." I squealed. Literally.

Just typing and hearing his voice on the TV is getting me choked up. Today is the first day I'm feeling really sad. I told Jackie that try to protect my heart by not opening up completely about my feelings for him when I talk to other people. I guess that's where my "wall" shows. I mean, no one wants to get hurt. Maybe I subconsciously feel like if I don't "spill the beans" about how I truly feel for him, then it won't hurt as bad if things didn't work out with the both of us.

I want to let go and just embrace it. It's getting easier as the days go by. Tonight at pho, everyone was so supportive. They were telling me go with him in the name of love and everything else would just fall into place. It always does. Am I really gutsy enough to leave everything and everyone I know for that? To quit my job and lose my financial independence? In order to live on base I would have to marry him. We both want a wedding though. I am torn. I'm also getting ahead of myself. I suppose we can just revisit this in February of next year.

He's so handsome. I'm falling hard and fast. I want him. I need him. He feels like the one. I can imagine him being the father of my children. It's exciting and scary!

Pinche mosquito!

Current Obsessions

These are things that my heart is consumed with

my love ♥

they make any outfit

die.dead.funeral.

Cacao.

Sooooooo much has happened! I cannot believe I've neglected my blog for this long. The excuse I'm using this time is that I'm happy. Well, I mean there's always something to gripe about, but at this point in my life it's only work that I feel meh about. I've just passed my three month mark at Intercare. I'm happy to be employed, I'm just having some growing pains. It will pass and the light at the end of the tunnel is the fact that I know I won't be doing this forever nor will I be at that company forever. I am grateful.

Sergio.

We met on 6/23/12. We went to the Frolic Room. There was vodka tonic, popcorn, and some meaningful conversation happening that night. He lived in the scary Pico Union district. His apartment was amazing. AHH-may-ZING. He has a cat named Augie. He loves Star Trek. 32. No kids. Never married. Trumpet player. TSA worker. Know it all. Handsome. Serial monogamist.

 

Yes, of course I spent the night. He told me a secret when he went to bed. Something he said he felt comfortable sharing and that I would personally connect with. Something so private that I can't even share on here. Him and I know what was said. There was no sex. I just stayed. He welcomed me into his world, and I didn't want to leave. Things sped up very fast. He was leaving for the Army in late August. Him and I have discussed the fact that our pace still would've been pretty hasty no matter if he was leaving or not. I can totally see that.

Because things were so rushed, we got to a point in our relationship that couples normally don't get to for a few months. Shit got real, real fast. He aggravated me. I expressed it. He showed effort. My walls began to come down.

::the night i fell in love::

In our short two months together, we have done more than I would have ever imagined. We danced, you performed, Disneyland, moving, cooking, family time, long drives, friends, naps, movies, hellos & goodbyes. And the list goes on.

He amazes me. He could be it. We talk about it. He treats me so good. I need him to figure out him though. I mean, I need to do the same for myself. He knows why I'm waiting. I remember the first time he told me he was in love with me was in Hollywood. Of course it's 11pm and the cross street has left my brain. But we were in the car and he was making me laugh and then he just said it. I looked at him and he looked at me and said "Oh! What!? Remember this street, yeah I just said it!" and he was smiling and so was I.

It hasn't been easy. He left last Tuesday for the Army. I never would've thought I would be dating someone in the military. Here we are though and after getting his call today, I know my heart is hooked and I just want to see where this goes. Technically, I really have nothing holding me back from moving. He graduates basic training in late October, then it's specialty school til February 2013. At that point, we will find out where he will be stationed. I guess we will see how things are at that point and then we can really consider me moving. It's scary and exciting.

I just love him.

I'm in love...

It's really that simple. ♥

Est. 6/23/12

Spark - Tori Amos

She's 3 months pregnant, due January 1, 2013.

Goodbye Goodguy

It's been a hot minute! Schools out! I started a new job! I thought I knew what I wanted but I don't! So so so so so many dates. It's disgusting and expensive. Monetarily and emotionally. Ok, so since I am so behind, there's no way I can go into detail about each and every one of these guys. What I can do is label them and pass judgement. I'm really good at that.

Mr. Put Together

Ah, Pedro. How impressive, you own expensive, dry cleaned Ben Sherman suits. You own your own place in my favorite city. You're 37 and a true diamond in the rough with your clean record and no baggage. Today you stepped up to the plate and apologized for putting your foot in your mouth. You're taking me out to the movies. Once again, I embark on the adventure many call "the second chance." Good luck.

The One That Never Got Away

Danny. A simple five lettered name. So much tumultuous history. Pregnancy, abuse, jealousy, lust. Ironically, you have said the most sweetest thing to me that I will never forget. He saw me at Viva Las Vegas years ago, weeks later we met and he remembered me. He described my beauty when he laid his eyes on me. He remembered my top and my hair. He said he always wished a girl as pretty as myself would give him a chance. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

  The One I'm Supposed To Be With

Martin Garcia Hernandez. This man definitely shares a small part of his soul with me. He's giving me a taste of my own medicine now. We met, he was real and was past all the games. He adored me. I played games. I got used to the attention. Now I miss it. You upset me over the littlest things. We can't let go though. We went to an Angels game last night and had a long talk after. We agreed to try to make this work. I don't know if this is what I want.

The Unexpected

I met Anthony off POF. He was old fashioned. He called. He texted. He was cordial and gentleman like. We had one amazing whirlwind of a weekend. Our first date was a sack snack pack at sunset on the beach. My heart grabbed onto you and wouldn't let go. I was too much to handle. I asked too many questions and got you second guessing yourself. It was over before it ever really began. A part of me will always wonder 

'what if?'

The Music Man

Peter, you mother fucker. No one I've EVER met has had the music collection like you. We went to the Verdugo bar and hit it off instantaneously. We listened to music for hours had decent sex. I wanted you to call me back so bad. You're emotionally unavailable and "didn't plan for things to end up this way." Bullshit. You reminded me a lot of Anthony and you were like right after him. Equaling as disappointing.

 Deviously Dapper

For the life of me, I can't remember your name right now. How awful is that?! I swore when I met you that you were everything I was looking for. Well, I was right to a certain degree. You ended up just another flavor of the month. You text me penis shots from time to time asking what I think. I left a cardigan and my sister's brand new copy of 50/50 over at your house. A nominal piece of collateral if anything. Totally replaceable, kinda like you...David.

Connection or Creeper

You would look at me and just know stuff. It wasn't cute, it felt like I had just been Googled in person or something. You seemed head over feet. There was something lacking. You washed my car and told me about all your family problems. You should really get out of Boyle Heights. Your life is your business, literally and figuratively. You're gonna make a weird girl really happy one day. 

You Remind Me Of Someone

I can tell you who it's NOT...Joseph Gordon Levitt. Yes, you share the same name, but you couldn't be any farther removed from his yummy-ness. You knew I was wearing red, so you did too. Your mouth looked and smelled bad. Your card got declined. You had no energy. You are the definition of lowered expectations. I feel bad for being mean, but I feel lied to. After our first (and last) date, I just about threw my hands up in the air. I can't do much more of this.

So, this is it.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I haven't written and there is so much to write about. Where do I start? Who do I start with? On my connector flight home from Houston last night I watched the sun set from high in the sky. I just finished watching The Vow and I seriously had to turn my head away from my sister and Lisa so they couldn't see me getting choked up. I had a moment. The movie was romantic and the ending song was "Pictures of You" by The Cure. It's one of my all time favorite songs. I'm pretty sure I've even posted it here before. I have so many memories attached to that song. The movie was about a couple coming back together, like their hearts never forgot one another. As I listened to the song and looked outside the window and fought back tears I thought of Carlos. I don't know why he has been on my mind so much. I don't even know how I feel about me thinking of him. It's not a yearning to be with him. I can best describe it as a visiting a chapter in one of my favorite books. That one chapter that once you are reminded of its contents, you have an a-ha moment and realize just how much joy that book gave you when you first read it. It's the part of the book that you are first to think of or describe to someone that asks you about it. It's that special feeling in your heart that no matter how many other great books you read, they will never replace that chapter. I called him right now, I know he wasn't going to pick up. I'm not even sure what I would have even said had he picked up. I think I just miss the Robin that was so in love. He obviously had a lot to do with that, but I loved that sincere, genuine feeling. I hadn't felt that before or sense Carlos.

I've run into him two times now and I've heard three stories of people's encounters with him. My mind isn't lost but my heart most definitely is. I still have a big heart, but I feel so guarded now. My wall is getting higher and my temper even shorter. I keep putting myself "out there" and I just have no patience. I get aggravated easily and I snap. I know what the right thing to do is, but I keep fighting it for some odd reason. My head feels like its spinning, I'm trying to get used to this new job that came out of nowhere, finish up these last two weeks of school and have a social life. One day I will look back on this and be grateful for these moments. When I'm actually experiencing them it's not that fun. I feel confused yet grounded.

Things I Look Forward To

• drinking a tall glass of horchata
• buying a new headband
• the next song Pandora
• vacations
• dates with my boo crew
• being inspired
• falling in love ♥ 
• finding awesome quotes
• taking pictures
• finding that perfect vintage mirror

I guess that's all...for now :)

If Only I Were As Organized As This Fella....

Some of my friends have joked about me dedicating a blog strictly on my dating experiences (especially those online dudes.) I just ran into this story and I must admit, I'm a little jelly. I want a spread sheet!
http://deadspin.com/5902760/finance-guy-keeps-incredibly-detailed-incredibly-creepy-spreadsheet-of-his-matchcom-prospects

Where Is My Mind?

How is it that I have this much free time, yet not be up to date via blog? Even in my every day life I feel out of it! There's so much to blog about!!! Ok ok...this week is spring break, so my unemployed ass will catch up. :)

Let's Fly A Kite...

This song makes me want to be in love.

Everyone's Got To Eat

I can't help myself. Maybe I should take the advice of many of my friends and start a blog or calendar of all my Internet escapades. I have tons of stories. It's kind of disturbing. Well, we have Elisha Peter Joelle Espinoza. ::sigh::

Now, POF has brought me many a bad fish, but not this time. Our first date was randomly made on April Fools Day. I picked him up and we headed out to the Verdugo bar in Highland Park. Immediately we chatted it up like we've known one another for years. It just flowed. We clicked. He is so handsome and so intriguing! I can see the wall. I felt the wall. He's very engaging. We ended up going back to his place and listening to his AMAZING music collection. Hands down, NEVER EVER have I met a man that has all the music I have and love. Stuff I hadn't even heard of!!! We ended up smoking and having the greatest make out shesh...and... yeah.

I spent the night and stayed until I had to go to school. Today is his birthday, the big 36. There's something about his eyes. It was just such a good night. We made lists of our flaws and best of. It was great. I took him to lunch today at Don Cuco's. He's really not feeling his bday, but I'm such a fan of them!! So, I took him to Dots and bought him some cupcakes :) We went back to his place and snacked and cuddled. How do I slow down!!??

I don't want to.
And I don't care.
Feet first. ♥

Promise Honest

I haven't forgotten about you blog. I have a lot to post about...bdays, boys, moving, school, unemployment. Let's play catch up this week, yes? :)

This Is Only Right Now

This is the second song that came to mind last night. I love the lyrics. Basically, they break up and she sings about they know the reason why they broke up. I love her voice. I'm also just being as positive as I can be. Next week Jackie and I are going to see her perform at the Hotel Cafe. I'm excited, she's excited. It will be a good night. ♥

....and on the 571st day, she ran into him....

Seriously, this day shall forever be remembered. I have the weirdest luck. I don't even know if luck is the correct word. I feel like I have strong intuition. The universe does give us signs and tell us stuff. Clearly, my time is up in Arcadia.

I've been nostalgic with the passing of Carlos bday and the whole idea of moving. Last week I was on edge and this week my mind is everywhere. I have to by out of my apartment by Thursday, and  my last day of work is on Friday. It's my second week of school and Sunday is my 30th birthday. I am all up in my head, but I can't cry. I'm sure one day I'll get around to doing it, but I can't pencil it in these last few days of February.

Yesterday Jackie and I were in the car and she was applauding me on how far I've come emotionally. I told her I know everything has its time and place in this world and I acknowledged the fact that up until this point, I hadn't run into Carlos for a reason. Be it emotionally I was or wasn't ready, or what have you. Today I got myself out of bed and dragged myself into work. Around 9am I get a text from Deondra asking me if Maria had a daughter or a son. I reply that it was a girl who is now in college. I then ask her why she's curious to know. Apparently Neal ran into Carlos at Smart and Final on Sunday...with a blond and a baby boy...that Carlos introduced as his son.

His son.

His SON.

I was shocked. My heart pounding hard and I literally couldn't catch my breath. All I could do was let out a big "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!!" at my cubby. Neal thinks he was just playing the part and that the kid's probably was just the girls. Per my calculations, if this child was his, he got her pregnant shortly after we called it quits. AND if it ISN'T his kid, he's fucking in love because the kid was a baby and he must have met this girl right after she gave birth, he got attached to her and the kid and now their all a family. Either scenario is crazy. I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry, but I couldn't and I didn't. His life no longer serves any purpose to me. I attempted to go on with my day, but of course it was on the back on my mind.

So, I go home, pick up my books and rush to school. The teacher lets us out at 7pm and I'm in a good mood and as over it as I'm going to be. I decide I'm going to be healthy and go to Trader Joes for a salad and some weekly snacks. I decide to call Jackie while I'm in the store, my hands are full and I'm crouched down trying to grab the perfect container of banana choco chip muffins. I stand up, turn around and I see what I've been waiting to see for over a year and a half.

Carlos. Ray. Hale.

I dunno if he saw me, but I sure as hell saw him. It was undeniably him. I know a female was with him, but everything fuzzed out. I immediately started to shake and I scampered to hide in another aisle. I was basically hyperventilating. All I can say to Jackie is "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGG" and I tell her I need out of that store. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. I was talking ABOUT HIM when I was on the phone with her when I saw him! What if he heard! I set my food down and practically ran out of the store. I'm shaking and I get into my car and just take off.

I can't cry, I don't even want to. It's just unbelievable that this is my life. I've waited for that moment for so long. I did the right thing by just leaving. In a sense, its like a sigh of relief. I knew that first encounter was bound to happen, I just didn't know when or how. I surely didn't think I was going to get this Carlos double whammy. But like everything else in life, it had to happen this way.

"Pictures of You" by The Cure was playing in the store. le sigh.

Kettle Corn

Monday off, thanks Mr. President(s)

Attempted to "clean" the apartment. Opted for 100 calorie kettle corn and diet cherry 7up.

and...

Marley & Me :)

Yeah, he went there.

Yesterday was Valentine's and it actually was a good day. Dinner and drinks with my Boo's. I wanted to have the glory of officially ending it with David so I text him that I wished him well and that I will cut my losses with the sweater and movie I had left behind. Five hours later he text me back asking if he "missed something." Hmm...yea, your chance with me. I basically told him that I want someone in my life that is ready and willing to participate in getting to know one another and not someone that's going to disappear on the weekends. He proceeded to send me a picture of him paint covered hands expressing how hard he's been working with the hotel renovations. Cry me a river. Then, the texts stopped. This evening I get a text from him asking if he could call me. So he did and we spoke for about 20 minutes. We rehashed my passive aggressive text messages and talked about him using his busy work schedule as a crutch. He felt the need to tell me that even though he's been getting messages and winks online that maybe I was onto something when I told him he may just not be ready for anything. He then told me he is seriously thinking about moving back up to San Francisco. It took a lot for me to not laugh or literally call bullshit on his ass. Wow. That's a 34 year old man folks. Oh, I guess this is the part that I should be thankful that he even attempted to get a hold of me. Hmm....as far as I'm concerned, I was done yesterday. But you see, I'm too damn nice.

On a side note, I stumbled across Joanna Newsom on Youtube. I've heard of her before. She plays the harp! Her voice is very ethereal. Very Kate Bush meets Feist.

I'm no good at this.

Choose Your Adventure

I remember my brother used to have these books called Choose Your Adventure, or it was something along those lines. Anyhow, you would start a story off and then you would come to a crossroads in the book. From that point you would have to choose where you wanted the story to go. The idea was genius.

Just like those books, life is equally as unpredictable. There is something magical about the unknown. It's the anxiety, the uncertainty and almost an uneasiness about it all. I know, I need to be more present. But what happens if you are in the moment and you still feel blah? You can't help to reflect on the past or hope for the future. I've come to realize, I'm human just like anyone else. I have feelings and emotions. Unlike and ex or two that I know, I'm not a fucking robot. (smile)

I don't want to even necessarily know what happens. I need to learn to let go a little easier. I think my hang up is that I trust to easy. There are a lot of things in  my life that I have no middle ground with. For the most part, I believe life (at least mine) is black and white.

I have to be ok with the gray. Ironically, today is extremely gloomy.

4:36am

This is the time that I woke up tossing and turning from my bad dream.  It was about him and I being involved and  his two co workers that I guess you could consider his "work wives."
It bothered me. I didn't get consistent sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock. I also told myself that the time was going to be the title of today's blog.

Obviously, I stayed at his house again last night. Jacks was right, he should've called and told me to hang out with him because he cancelled his date with his other match person. Sissy came over after work and I was so tired from the previous nights drinks and late night romp. Seven rolled around and surprisingly, he did text. He asked if I was busy and if I would like to join him for dinner. I was game. It felt nice. I felt like he was making up for Sunday's fuck up.

The night before when I had gone over we went for drinks at The Blue Room in Burbank. It was a perfect Wednesday evening. The bar was empty, the furniture was a teal 1950's reupholstered throw back. We were the only ones in the bar. The bartender gave me money and I owned the jukebox. We ordered food from the place next door. A few more guys came in, so I was the only lady. I held my own with the boys. It was sweet and fun and carefree. David and I got on the topic of his upcoming Match date. He could tell I was a little bothered. Already I was having iffy feelings because he burned me on Sunday by not communicating with me properly. I understood that he made this date before I was in the picture. I have no control over what he does, and really, its not my business. I laid the ground rules since we are sleeping with one another and he gave me his word that he would adhere. Talk is cheap, I need action.

We went to his house and had another drink, he was buzzed. I started to kiss him and do a favor. He stopped me telling me I was better than that. He didn't want to make "this about this." It was endearing to hear. We kissed more and he mumbled and I told him to tell me what's on his mind. He was hesitant but grabbed my face, kissed me told me how beautiful and great I am and that he doesn't want me to date anyone else or want anyone else. Was this just the alcohol talking? Or was this the liquor induced honest to goodness truth? Either way, I was flattered and actually I didn't know how to answer. He continued to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am and he looked at me in my eyes and said he didn't want to go on that date tomorrow and that he wasn't going to. I just said ok and we went to bed.

So, as I stated before, he did ask me over last night. I wasn't going to bring up the fact that he cancelled or did whatever to get outta that date. He did bring it up though. He said he just told her he had a long day. I of course asked if it had anything to do with me. I'm not sure if he rescheduled. Either way, that serves me no purpose. He had two very long, stressful days at work and decided to spend the evening with me. I told him I can tell he is at wits with himself. Like, he wants the relationship, the connection. But just as he said, I'm not sure if he wants the responsibility that goes along with it. The consideration he would have to put forth. Maybe its too much for him? Maybe he's scared? Maybe it really is that simple and I'm over analyzing like I always do.

Something doesn't feel right. I hate to nit pick. Our "flow" seems off. I'm just really trying to be open minded and level headed about all of this. I have to. I have no choice. I mean, if I want to keep seeing him I have to. He's a catch. He knows it. I think he likes the whole being able to flirt with no repercussions thing. It's nerve racking.

I'm tired.

I Know

I know this isn't a mistake. I know what I'm possibly getting myself into. I know I may get hurt. I know I can't gripe about the situation. I know I have to be patient.

I also know that this magnetic attraction is no coincidence. I know he is what I want. I know I'm what he wants. I know it's so soon. I know I can't stay away.

I will remain present.

30

I feel like this number is haunting me. In fact, its not even "30" anymore. See, the beginning of this month it was the 30 day notice to my apartment manager. Then it was the official 30 day countdown to the last day at work. Then it was the anticipation of my 30th bday coming up. After the excitement of all this, reality has sunk in. I have no motivation at work. My apartment is a mess and I really haven't started to sift through anything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of 29. But, all of this is the inevitable. Life is happening and whether I like it our not, I have to carry on.

I have so much on my mind. I need to be ok with the idea of crying. I'm just keeping my spirits up by surrounding myself with the wonderful, positive friends.

This is only right now Robin.

Daily Inspiration

This was the message bestest sent out this morning. I liked it, it hit home. They usually do.

Our barriers to love are rarely consciously chosen. They are our efforts to protect the places where the heart is bruised…

If I'm Wrong...

I don't want to be right.

*UPDATE 2/6/12*
Disappointment.

"I Got Home Ok"

Geezus. My heart is racing. I can't even get over this. Goodness, I hope I look back on this blog and be like "really Robin, again?!"

So I met David last night. We went to Lucky Baldwin's in Pasadena. From the moment I saw him, I knew I dug his style and the person he represented. My goodness. You put out energy into the universe, you make sure EVERYONE knows what exactly it is you want, and then it happens....and when it does it kind of takes you back and you say to yourself "all of a sudden."

I'm breathing, its been one night. An amazing night. A night without sleep. A night chuck full of positive energy and attraction. I need to step back. This is good, this has potential. The man analyzed my signature. He's got swag!

BREAAAAAAAATHE! ::eek!::

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.- Oprah Winfrey

I rarely eat bagels.

They are delish, yes, and I love smothering them with flavored cream cheeses....but I just rarely eat them. I've read and heard from many people that the caloric intake (along with all that cream cheese) is HUGE! So, once I found that out I just kinda stopped.

Why is it that I can't seem to do that with other foods, like basically any fast food? Better yet, why can't I let go of other things in my life that I've been holding on to? One day will I just wake up and just let go? Could it really be that simple? I suppose I'll find out sooner than later.

As my 29th year is coming to an end, I'm getting ready to embrace 30. I'm not beating myself up because I don't have X,Y & Z by now but I am amazed how stubborn and forceful I can come off. I want things my way. Will I ever just have to settle? I have this picture in my mind as to how things are "supposed" to be and I just don't see things happening that way. But I've made peace with it. It's fine. I'd rather not have hit certain milestones in life than to have done them in vain, or better yet, with the wrong person. This year, I definitely am determined. As I count down my 30 last days here at work and I get ready for my 30th birthday, I have excitement in my heart. There is so much I want (and plan!) on doing. I'm travelling, be it near or far, alone or in a group. I'm going to be responsible but not fearful. I will have gumption. I won't be scared. I will take risks. I will dive into my life feet first. I will continue to love myself. I'm getting a tattoo with sis. I will finish at PCC. I will be proud of the person I am, strengths and weaknesses. I will be a woman of the nineties.

10:11AM...

I've officially submitted my 30 day notice to my apartment manager. I will no longer be an Arcadia resident effective March 1, 2012.

Back On Track

Often I sit at my desk at work and think about running. Like, between the hours of 7am and 330pm I just get this urge to get up and be active. Of course, I feel this way because I have to stay sedentary at my dual monitored desk. Once I'm out of work, I come home and plop on the couch. I have stuffs on my mind and decided to be productive tonight though and I got dressed and went to the Arcadia high school track. I recently found my Ipod and I finally learned how to sync the music from my computer to my Ipod. I downloaded all my Sia and decided its time to try that puppy out!

Yeah, so I go to the track and start my walk. I tell myself I'm going to walk at least one complete album. I almost made it. While walking, I remembered that the last time I was attempting to be healthy I would go to that track (with Mr. Hale of course) and then I started to think of where I've come since then. Of course I start thinking about what's going on in my life now and I started to quicken my pace. Then it hit me, Sia's lyrics: ♫ Throw away yesterday, today is a brand new day ♫ and I swear to you, it seemed as though the lights on the field got brighter and I felt at ease. I love how her music just does that for me.

Something has got to give. I'm totally changing subjects and I don't care. So, today Rosemary read my tarot cards. This is the second time that she has done so. Pretty spot on. Without reading too much into it, it summed up what's going on with my life now. Exes (well, Danny) that won't go away...a loss of a job....a move...new opportunities and prospects. I try not to take things like that too seriously but I'm such a sucker!

Yesterday I met him. I never have met a guy that's been on the same page as me. He came off strong as did I. I loved it. When we first met, I didn't think things would get that intense. The night prior we stayed up until 3 am talking and texting. We decided why wait and just meet Monday. So we did. It was magical. I felt alive. I felt appreciated and adored. I didn't want to leave. I was so turned on! I felt respected and anxious. Feelings I haven't felt in quite some time. It's hard to think logically and to just put the brakes on when you're actually in the situation. We texted throughout today but it doesn't seem the same. I know, I need to relax. It kinda bummed me out because I started to really think maybe I haven't made as much progress emotionally as I thought. Maybe I have. Who knows. Either way, I have to not take everything so personally. I need to just take it "one day at a time." Whatevers supposed to happen will.

Patience? What patience?

Bet Your Bottom Dollar

I love phrases like "bet your bottom dollar" or "I bet you dollar to doughnuts" I dunno, these just make me happy and then I feel like googling them to find out the origin. I was hitting up my office quarter suppliers for some change in exchange for some crisp dolla dolla bills and when I opened up my coin purse and saw it. That $1 bill that I've had for years now. It's literally the last dollar I consistently have on me.

When Carlos and I were dating I would randomly ask him for a dollar. No specific reason, we may even had just been home. I guess I would just try and be cute and one time he fell for it. He gave me a dollar out of his pocket and I swore to never use it unless it was an absolute emergency. I have come across many hard weeks. I've still never used it. Weird. Kinda sweet too. Some things we just can't let go of, even if the significance has changed. I took a picture of it with my phone and of course it doesn't want to get through.

On another note, this week has been long. Just ridiculously long and draining. How can so many things happen within a seven day period?! I'm thankful though. I made it through, and so have you because you're reading this.

Big things are happening!

A Day To Remember

Yesterday I was so caught up with all the events of the day that I didn't get a chance to write. Although, I really wanted and needed to.

It was a big day. Finding out not so pleasant news is hard, especially from a loved one. As I always say though, everything will be ok maybe not today but eventually.

Yesterday was the first day I spoke to Luis. He seems nice enough. :)

Absinthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Ugh. Yuck. Blah.

I was doing good, soooo good. After work I went to go visit Veronica and we walked to the coffee shop. I printed out the emails between Chris and I. It was nice to just unload. Her place is beautiful. Around 7:15 I met up at the Brass with Alex. Hmm, I think that's a first and last on many accounts.

First off, he looks homeless. Like, missing teeth, shaggy salt n' pepper hair and matching beard. He just looked a little crackish. I know, I'm horrible...and honest. Well, seeing how it was so early, there were only like 6 people in the bar. I had my first vodka tonic and then we were each presented with a shot....of absinthe. Some frequent bar patron bought a round for everyone. I hate absinthe. I've had it one. I hate that black licorice/anise taste. But, to be kind, I took the shot. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I hadn't ate much of a breakfast or lunch earlier and I hadn't had dinner either. Almost immediately, I felt that shot. And then I ordered another vodka tonic. So, I'm buzzin'. We finish and I tell him I have to go. My mind and heart were racing. This mantra of "I will not drunk text! I will not drunk text!" raced through my thoughts. I drove to Jack in the Box. I ordered. And. I. Drunk. Text...Chris :(

Epic fail. I suppose it could've been a lot worse. I just told him I wish we would have spent one more night together. Followed that up with an I'm sorry I've been drinking. He was kind. He texted back that it was no problem and if I was driving to be safe. I came home, called Gio and sobbed for an hour. It was good to get it out. I tried to call Chris. It went to a message saying that he was on the phone. THANK GOD I didn't leave a message.

That was yesterday, this is today. I cannot change last night. I've learned my lesson. I rarely if ever drunk dial, I'm just gonna go ahead and blame the absinthe. They say that drink supposedly makes you think lucid thoughts. I just got cray. I'm so glad I have great, non judgemental friends. It was a good, long over due cry.

All better.

Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart

I was hoping I would see him, think he looked cute and then just move on from the evening. But no, he walked outta his room and I almost had to catch my breath. He looked amazing. He has been working out even more, his waist is smaller, upper body and arms are more toned. I immediately smiled and then he smiled and it was this cute kinda innocent “I'm glad to see you” look we both gave one another. His mom said bye and said “Ohhh mi hijo is so handsome” and I replied “Oh my, please don’t get me started haha. Yes, your son is extremely handsome” and I just looked at him. We ended up at some dive bar by his house. The way he looked at me, it almost felt like we were meeting again for the first time. It was positive. He interrupted me and told me that he really loved me. I was like “Ummm ok, like how?” and he said, “I'm always gonna have love for you, I'll always care for you” and then I reminded him that I will also always love him. I did most the talking, catching him up. He's even more introverted. He rarely says he sees friends, he works out and just does things on his own. He texted a few times, I don’t want to assume but I wouldn’t be shocked if he was seeing someone. I was proud of myself. I was very honest. I felt good. I realized though that so much time has gone by, I wanted him physically but our emotional connection isn’t the same. I'm not in love with him, but the nostalgia confused me. I did want to spend the night, but I know that was just me lusting. We flirted with words a little. There was a lot of deep looks and silences. I know I cant be with this person. We are on two diff levels. The respect is still very much there. We both kinda admitted that the attraction is there and we wouldn’t mind taking things back to his house, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He said “robin, the friends with benefits things never works out, and I could never just f*ck someone I care so much about” I felt rejected. Knowing that he knew how much I wanted him last night. But as I'm sitting here now, I know that that’s what was supposed to happen. That was our fate. It feels good to know he respects me and what we had. We left the bar after 1130 and I drove him home. He offered to fix my headlight that went out and I said no. he said he enjoyed hanging out and hope we could do it again, I just looked at him and told him I doubt that that’s gonna happen. I stopped in front of his casa and we just looked at each other, he hugged me very tight and kissed me on the cheek….THAT killed me. It brought me back two years ago, to that last kiss Carlos ever gave me. It’s the “I care for you but not romantically” sweet kiss. I hugged him tight and said it was nice seeing him but I knew this was gonna be it and he said “no I'm sure we will hang out sooner than you think”. I drove off and realized I didn’t give him his bday card. I came back and told him to come outside. This time I got outta the car and we just held one another so tight. I didn’t want either one of us to let go. I remember looking up at the sky and the night was so clear, I could see stars and even some clouds. I love nights where you can still see the clouds out. We just stood there and looked at one another. I knew this was the final goodbye, we hugged again, he grabbed my face kissed my forehead, my cheek and then my lips. We gave one more never-let-go hug and I walked away. I got in the car and drove off….my eyes began to sting and before I even got to the end of the street I literally spoke to myself and said “no Robin, this is not worth crying over” it was so late and I knew everyone was asleep. My friend Gabe was up so I called him and he let me vent. I feel proud, a little sad, a little rejected, at ease and ready to really let go.

Maybe its too soon or maybe I'm just one of those people that just can't be friends with an ex. I just cant and wont do it. Ive received my answers. I've tested myself and the situation. I need to leave the past in the past. This is the best last memory I could ever have with him.

Numbers

My sister is obsessed with the number 4. It's the day of our birth, it was her and Glen's anniversary number, etc. I have a hang up with this number as well now. My birthday is March 4 (which by the way is 60 days away! BIG 30!) Chris's birthday is December 4. He asked me to be his girlfriend on April 4 (4/4- he said it signified both of us) Yeah. I love it. Today is January 4, today I am seeing Chris after a few months. I have no expectations. The people I have told are surprised my demeanor is so calm. I have brushed off Denise for so long now so last week I agreed to see her today. I was debating whether or not to let Chris know. We don't communicate at all, and that seems to be working best for us. But, Chris having the big heart that he does, decides to text me Happy/Merry holidays. I was pretty sure he was going to text "Happy New Year" to me, and that he did. At 12:07 to be exact. The flirt texts began, we haven't texted/exchanged words like that since we were together. I decided to throw it out there there I would be in Pico on Wednesday and offered to take him out for a drink to catch up. He agreed. So here we are. I'm at work, my mind is racing, my tummy's in knots. I have to be Robin full force tonight. Things could go one of two ways...or maybe a combo? Number one-we see one another, the spark is still there, we flirt the night away and end up having amazing sex and I spend the night only to wake up and probably not see or talk to him 'til I get the "Happy Birthday" text...in 60 days. Number two- we meet up, I see him. We catch up and are sincerely happy to have had the moment. I see him and I feel at peace, not a longing to be with him in anyway.

Guess we will see how it goes.

Happy New Year!

It was a great evening...

Friends & Family came...

I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way with anyone else...

Cheers 2012, the best has yet to come!