Glasses!

I'm a cool kid.

Creepy Dream!

Yeah, so I'm trying not to look too deep into this one but...

Last night I dreamt that I was pregnant and like due. I went into labor and my family knew but I didn't know who the dad was and no one really asked. I didn't even look full term. And then it was like I started to bleed and my mom was like "it's ok" but it wasn't. I was seriously hemorrhaging! My tum didn't look that big, I dunno if that's because I was the same size I am in reality, either way I'm over weight but don't think I look pregs! Then I just started crying because I was so scared of labor and delivery. I was scared about how the kid would come out, who's it was and how I even got preggo. I got scared of the thought of pain. And I just kept bleeding!

I came into work and looked it up, dreammoods.com said something about me "giving birth"  to a new idea and it failing. To hell with that. I'm gonna chalk it up to the crap that I've been ingesting the past few weeks.

Speaking of...I gained 5 lbs. Meh.

Memory Lane-Las Tunas

Amazing. Sometimes my great memory kicks me in the ass. Like, when it comes to dates. Sometimes I think about people that used to be important to me and I try to think of their birthday or our anniversary...and then I can't remember. Instead of getting down on myself, it makes me happy because in that moment I recall how I told myself I would never forget such important dates. Then I think of specific dates that I wish I could already forget, and of course, I can't forget. The more I remind myself to forget to forget, the more I remember.

Jax and I visited with Gio tonight and we all talked about relationships. Reminded  me that as of today, I have known Chris for one year. He texted me Merry Christmas early in the day and I did sooooo good...until my drive home. Why did I take Las Tunas home while listening to sad Sia music?! Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. I pass 38 Degrees, Mama Petrillos, Rosemead Blvd. All I can think about is the Christmas I just spend single, our one year of knowing one another and how we shared a lot of memories in the short history of "us" on this street. Crazy how much can happen within 365 days. Each day brings it's own  great gifts. AH HA! That reminds me, I have to write about paying it forward and meeting Carole Cunningham-the owner of the beloved little red quote house off Colorado.

30 In 30

I've been inspired. Well, I am on a daily basis, but lately I've been so inspired that I've decided to take action and....make lists! My 30th bday is coming up soon and I'm going through big changes. I feel nothing but positivity and progression so this is good! I've decided I'm going to do (or con't to do) certain things (30 of them to be exact) in my 30th year of life. No, I haven't completed the list but that's ok I have time. Who knows, maybe it will end up being more than 30. Anyhow, this is what I have so far:

1. Continue to donate platelets and/or blood on a bi-weekly basis
2. Continue to volunteer
3. Take vacations....big, small, near, far, alone or with groups.
4. Get more massages
5. Read more
6. Finish at PCC by the end of 2012, if not before, so I can be at Pacific Oaks by Spring 2013
7. Save $$$
8. Learn to cook
9. Take more walks

These are all doable things, some I have started, others I plan to. And the list goes on....

Light At The End Of The Tunnel!

Yesterday I had a meeting with my counselor from Pacific Oaks. I brought in my unofficial transcripts from Citrus and PCC. I only have 5 more classes to complete and I will be ready for transfer!! I was over the moon! This morning I registered at PCC for Spring 2012. I'm taking three classes, I will have no life. Then I'll take my last two in Fall. So that means I will be at Pacific Oaks in Spring of 2013! I plan on going full time so I will be there five semesters. I will have my BA in Human Development in Fall of 2014. I'll only be 32 years old!! I am so excited to see the progress. It makes me want to push myself harder and further. I CAN do this!!

Because my sister is alumni, I am eligible for a $1000 scholarship plus another two $1000 scholarships based on my work experience and what not. I plan on busting my butt! I'm going to go there with as much free money as I possibly can. I feel so on track, so accomplished. Things are really coming together!

Check Yo' Ass!

Ok, this is my list that I shall look back upon when I'm not having a no good, horrible very bad day. When I read this list I'll remember how thankful I am to be me! It will make me feel whole, it will make the clouds part and it will remind me just how loved I am. Here we go...

1. You are worthy!
2. You are radiant and your beauty shines from the inside out!
3. You are stronger than you realize!
4. You are so thoughtful and kind hearted!
5. You have an amazing work ethic!
6. Your intelligence is growing everyday!
7. You are appreciated!
8. People love your sparkly personality!
9. You are needed and wanted!
10. Smile!

I was thinking about coming up with a list of affirmations. I will do this. I will include everything I not only want but will have. I will revisit the list a year (maybe two?) from when I originally compile it. I'm stoked. :)

Ironic

Flagpole
To see a flagpole in your dream represents a sense of stability in your life. You may find that those around you are ready to support in your whatever you do or decide.

Yeah, so my dream last night was alllll about Carlos...and flagpoles. Weird. So, as I've stated before we broke up last year on August 5. I totally would've thought this year on that day I would be all reminiscent of him. Turns out I was lovesick over a man, but it was Chris and not Carlos. That really threw me through a loop and kinda made me even more bummed out with the thought that I had no one but two heartbreaks under my belt within one year. I got over it. Today is Chris's 29th birthday. The past few weeks I've been going back and forth about sending him a card, inviting him out or simply just texting him. I decided to IM him on Thursday wishing him a Happy Birthday. My work there was done. The winds blew out my power Wednesday night this week so I've been at my sisters. In a way, I wanted Sunday to come and go because I didn't know how I was going to feel. Last night I accompanied Jax to the Covina Christmas Parade. It was great, and cold! Everything seemed to remind me of Carlos. Old cars, men with hats or mustaches. I went home to my sister's and fell asleep. I had the most intense dream about Carlos. His ex was in it as well and I wanted answers. I told them both off, I did everything except hit her. He told me he just never got over her and he basically has always been deeply in love with her. For some reason I saw a flagpole in the dream. I woke up dazed, hurt and curious. So curious that I texted Carlos and asked that he really consider getting together to talk. I told him it was time for some answers. Of course, he hasn't answered back. He probably won't. Funny how life happens sometimes. Today I was nervous I'd be sad about Chris, and it turns out I was thinking about Carlos.

This is a thankful and blessed time of the year. Most of all, this is only right now.

GIVE GIVE GIVE!

Seriously, my heart and soul have been awakened. My spirit feels more alive than ever. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to give back. The holidays really made me realize all of this. I signed up to donate blood and platelets tomorrow at City of Hope. I will be doing this on a regular basis. I can donate platelets every two weeks and blood every 56 days. Licet and I are signed up to help gift wrap etc. on December 17th & 18th with the Foothill Unity Center. I just want to give back. It makes me feel so happy and excited to know I can take part in ANY good cause. This isn't going to just be for the holidays, I plan to continue this into the new year and beyond.

Thank you God for making me able bodied. It's my turn to give thanks and show my gratitude. I want to pass along the love and inspiration that has been given to me.

Give your all in everything you do.

'Tis The Season

My ♥ feels so full. I am so thankful. This long weekend was very much needed and appreciated. I have great friends, a supportive family and a giving heart. I'm  pretty  much done with all my shopping and wrapping. Christmas is in the air. I've received so much love, especially this weekend. My cup has runneth over. It's time to give back. It's not even that I just want to...I need to. I've decided to start donating blood on a regular basis. I believe I can donate every eight weeks. I'm also going to donate platelets and I'm contemplating bone marrow. This is free and probably the most selfish gift I could give anyone. What could possibly be better than saving a life?!

I met up for coffee with my friend Licet, she told me she is going to volunteer with another one of her friends to wrap gifts and what not for the needy. I told her I'm so in! I just am so anxious to give back. My life is changing and it's all for the positive. I'm so excited. I want to pass on the love!

My sister is planning her holiday housewarming. Long over due for sure. She needs this though. Jessica just moved in and they need each other so much. This is such a good thing, perfect timing.

So much to look forward to, so many things to be thankful for. I'm thankful most for all the things I don't have. I already possess everything I need. Thank someone today.

I Know

All of a sudden
Our worlds collide
With one look
Our eyes meet
For one moment
The Earth stands still
And I know...

Christmas Rose

My apartment smells so pretty! On Thursday I can home and decided to decorate. I had some supplies from last year and never got around to getting all festive in my apartment. Yesterday Jackie Boo and I went to the mall and stopped at the candle store. I got tow votive Christmas Rose candles. OH. MY. GAH! It smells soooo beautiful!

Twilight is on!! Jackie Boo and I also saw Breaking Dawn part one last night. We could hardly contain ourselves. The romance! The angst! The cheeeese! :)

I'm At A Crossroad, Not A Crisis

I feel like a puddle today. So uninspired. So unmotivated. I want to lay down and run at the same time. I always have that escape feeling when I'm sitting here at my desk, then the moment I get home I loaf. Mentally, I'm drained.

I got my test results back from my amazing new doctor...I'm ok! I had her do everything, like EVERYTHING. It's always nice to know I'm in good health. The only thing she noticed was that my vitamin D was low and she told me to start taking an over the counter supplement. That's funny. I literally need some sunshine in my life. I'm trying my best to stay optimistic through everything lately. I know, cry me a river. Things could always be worse, I am thankful for all I have. Today is just one of those days I just don't want to even think. I just want to be still and absorb my existence.

I went for a walk here at work, it was nice. The air is crisp and it felt good to not be shackled to my desk. My thoughts seem so scattered, I feel like I'm in a daze, almost like I'm confused. Mentally, there is a fork in the road and I'm deciding which path to take. I feel like sleeping. My appetite has changed and everything. I have to shake this. The holidays are coming up and I'd hate to be in a funk. I WILL decorate my apartment, even if its just a little bit and even if I don't have much longer there.

The clouds will part soon enough. All this will be crystal clear. I'll have my "ah-ha" moment and all will be well.

Happy Anniversary!

Just like this day last year, I woke up refreshed and positive. Even here at work someone simply wrote Be Positive on the dry erase board.

Four years. Today would've been four years with him. That's not the focus though. Today is about overcoming obstacles. Not looking back with remorse, but being thankful for that period in my life. My first annual party was great. It was the beginning of an era haha. This year I kept telling everyone that I wanted to do something blah blah but I never pieced it together. It is a school night, like, literally. So I sent out a mass email to all my lovebirds telling them to meet me up for a celebratory night cap. Even if I'm there alone, I'll drink my libation with pride. I am excited. Things are getting better. The seasons are our friend.

Cheers! Single STILL looks good on me!

Introspection

It's chilly! I have Tori Amos stuck on the brain. I was listening to Venus and some particular lyrics stuck out, made of you but not enough for you. I love the sound and look of that. I think we all feel that at least once in our lives. That feeling of giving so much that we lose ourselves. Lost in love. When we are in the thick of it it becomes overpowering, overwhelming and alluring. Then it ends, and we're left with resentment.

That's when we have to make the decision to see the truth of the matter. The truth is, you're worth more than that. Selflessness is good to a certain degree, but we should never give ourselves completely. It's not safe, no matter how "right" it feels. A part of me feels disgusted that I've given more than one person this power over me. I have such a strong personality and to think I've allowed that control become me. Ironically, I wouldn't change a thing.

Something is in the air, the mystery has me anxious. I think this one's worth the wait.

Sia - You've Changed

It was time for a change. My mind has been a whirlwind since Friday. Change is good. It's new, it's better and it's growth. "This Calls For A Blog!" has been renamed :) I was sitting here on my couch, relaxing and thinking about the week ahead and the words 'piece of mind, peace of heart' just came to me. I sat here and thought that I really liked the sound of that. It sounds short and sweet, just like me. Good things are coming. This work thing isn't the end of the world. If anything, it's opportunity knocking. Everything always works out, it's the growing pains that we must endure that make us feel so flustered. I've made a game plan, but just like anything else in life, things change. I'm ok with that though, I want to leave room for the pleasant unexpected surprises that the coming months are going to bring me.

What You Seek, Seeks You Too

I went to work today and was so happy it was Friday and payday. 11 o'clock was supposed to be our regularly scheduled group meeting...all the claims assistants were asked to meet in a different room for a quick meeting. Our office manager was in the conference room looking very stern. We all came in and sat down and then he started to read from a paper.

I went numb.

I was being laid off.

Some HR bizzo then entered the room with like 6 packages with "literature" for us to read. Basically, our positions are being moved to the Henderson and Charlotte offices effective March 5, 2012. Yeah, the day after my 30th birthday. We all have the option to relocate, same pay, same position and even a $2,500 relocation fee reimbursement.

I cried and excused myself to the restroom. I was hurt. I've never been laid off. I'm scared. I have bills and I hate having to depend on others. I gathered my composure and went back into the meeting. Our manager told us he understood if we wanted to go home for the day. Through my crackled voice and red, teary face I advised him I was done for the day. In another room was the rest of the office being read this same message about their claims assistants being let go.

I went upstairs and didn't make eye contact with anyone. I felt the sympathy, the stares and I heard the sniffles. I just left as fast as I could.

From the moment I got home, I started making phone calls to people in the "biz" that I know and I started my job hunt.

I've done all I could possibly do. I just felt so blindsided. My heart is at peace, this is a blessing in disguise. I'm a swimmer, no a sinker and work stuff has always worked out for me. If I stay until the last day I will get job assistance, unemployment and I will get a severance package: 2 weeks plus one weeks pay for each year I've completed. That will be 7 weeks of pay. As of this pay check I have accrued 4 weeks of vacation. I have no time planned off, so by March I should have at least another week. That means 3 months pay. I'm not worried about money though.

Ugh...I'm gonna allow myself to wallow today, and maybe a little on Monday when I go back into the office and people ask me the 101 questions they have. This is the beginning of something great, it has to. The bigger picture will unfold soon enough.

Thank you for letting me vent.

What Other People Think of You is None of Your Business...

I have a list of 24 "reminders" at my desk, and that is #18. This list consists of everyday quotes that are applicable to daily happenstances. It's true though, we shouldn't consume ourselves with what energy vampires opinions are of us. Also, I don't want to be one of those vampires. It's not nice and its hurtful.

Today this has really hit me. I went across the street with a co worker to get a burrito for breakfast and we were waiting for our food. Another woman walked up and was standing by us. Before long, my co worker and this woman started ripping into Jillian Barberie (whatever her name is) off the news (its was on.) They just went back and forth about how the camera made her ass look huge, how she looked trashy and how she shouldn't try to rock anything leopard print. A part of me wanted to chime in. Then, I just didn't. I kept my mouth shut.

We came back to the office and my cubbymates started talking about some random girl that used to work here. Again, I stopped myself from chiming in (even know I had a not so nice opinion of the ex co worker.) I actually felt bad. I don't want to be that person constantly trash talking. Sometimes we can't help it. I'm an outspoken person to begin with, so mostly everything I do say about anyone, I would say to their face. That's still not right though. It's my opinion and a lot of times its unwarranted. Who am I to throw stones? Exactly, nobody.

I am making it a point from this day forward to be more conscious of my words. The tongue is a sharp, powerful weapon and I'd much rather be speaking sweet nothings than being sour grapes about people and my opinions of them, their lifestyles etc.

Sweet November

November has always been one of those bittersweet months for me. Haha, thinking about it, anything in life somehow reminds me of a guy. My first November memory would have to be of Peter. Ahh...Peter. The golden child, he was a great first "real" boyfriend but sweet baby J did he ALWAYS remind me of it. Bless his soul.

Anyhow, he loved him some Guns n' Roses. His favorite song was November Rain. He would sing it and act out the video. All. The. Time. It was cute, and then it got old. Then I remember that Charlise Theron and Keanu Reeves movie came out. You guessed it, it was called Sweet November. It was cute, and said and sappy.

November is also the month that I met Carlos. November 9. This one would've been four years. C'est la vie! This month is also me and Natalie's friendship anniversary. Thanksgiving to be exact. How fitting.

I'm drawing a blank.

Somedays Aren't Yours At All..

TGIF. ::whew::

What a week! What a past TWO weeks! Not my two favorite weeks, but hey, we all have our not so good ones every once in a while. The month is speeding by. The holidays are near. I've made it a point to not say "I wish this year was over" because I don't. We all have a tendency to do that...wish we could speed things up. It's important that we don't have that capability though. I can honestly say that my good days totally out number my bad. When we have "bad" days it puts things into perspective and helps us realize just how good our life really is. Things could always be worse.

Wednesday I found out I didn't get the promotion. I was bummed that afternoon and yesterday, but talking to a few of my nearest and dearest, I realize that I haven't lost anything from that situation. I am still gainfully employed. There is still possibilities in the future. Above all else, something better is in store for me. I truly believe this. When it comes to work, I've always had such good luck. So, I'm not going to force anything, but I will be keeping my eyes and ears open for new opportunities. I've always had a keen sense as to when my time is done where I've worked, and I think not getting the new positive just made me stop and think "wow, as of August 14, I've been here 5 years with no movement!" I think that is what I got bummed out the most about. But hey, like I said, I'm still employed, they value me and my work and I know new and better things are on the horizon. In addition, I thought about how much vacation time I've accrued. I almost never call out sick and I rarely take days off, let alone plan vacations. In 2012, that will be changing. I have three back to back months worth of trips, and I'm beyond elated! March is my 30th bday (eek!) so my sissy myself and bestest will be heading up north to San Fran for the weekend. April my sissy and I are going to Kauai for a week to visit her best friend. May is my girlfriend cruise to the Bahamas....annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, Calvin wants to go to Spain in June (this one is iffy.)

Bottom line is, I have come to the conclusion that it's ok when things don't work out how we would've liked. Jobs, relationships...they all go hand in hand. What we want is not always what we need. So let it sting a little, let yourself hurt for a while...but not for too long. There's so much to be happy about and to be thankful for. :)

With My Very Best, I Set You Free...

Don't Look Back In Anger

I'm...so...tired

::yawn::

Last night I decided to play sleep over at sissy's casa. Kimi's staying with her and I had the wonderful idea of hitting up The Chatterbox for a Monday nightcap. That place, sheesh. We had a good time, we laughed, and oddly enough the little black rain cloud that has been hovering my heart has disappeared. :)

I remembered that bestie's cousin that she was telling me about worked there and sure enough he walked in, and sure enough I said hello! Super sweet guy, it's always nice to make new friends. I don't know what I was thinking going out on a Monday night though. I didn't get into bed until almost 1am and now I'm paying the price. It was nice to get my mind off things.

“Although I express myself with some degree of pleasantry, the purport of my words is entirely serious.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

>:|

I'm angry today. So upset that I want to cry. This has been a rough week. I'm going to pout, and I'm going to let myself cry. I've been so upbeat lately, sooooo positive and I've felt great. But, today is just an off day and I've accepted that. And you know what, I'm allowed to have a few days like this. I'm allowed to sulk and be upset that things aren't going the way I would like.

Work is aggravating. Changes within the workplace that were unbeknown to me are now arising. I can deal with change pretty well, but I don't like it when people just pass the buck out of laziness. Then there's my personal life. I would like to believe I'm a damn good person. Many would agree. Why is it that I feel like things aren't going my way? It's because "my way" isn't what was written in the stars. I want to vent to certain people. I want to cry and tell them how much they have hurt me and ask them how they could ever imagined putting me through certain things. I want to know why she never contacted me after all that drama went down. I know she knows how to get a hold of me. I know it's in her to be the bigger person. We are alike in the sense that we call people out with a letter/email/text just so the issue can be addressed and things can be mended. Blood is thicker than water apparently and human kindness is kicked out of the picture.

I want to know why he never apologized for what he did to me. I don't know who's ego was more bruised, his or mine? I want to ask why he couldn't be the man I thought he was. Could he really have been lying not only to me but to himself for that long? A part of me wants to know the "real" story, but I know I'll never get that. Even if he did attempt to tell me, I don't know at this point if I'd even believe anything he would say to me. It's hard for me to deal with the fact that we are in some ways still connected. He has a lot of nerve.

I hesitate even writing this one, because I already have the answer. Why was I not enough? I actually should rephrase that....why was I not enough for you? I know who I am, what I'm capable of giving and what I know I deserve in return. Maybe I should just fool myself into believing that this isn't me but you. There is probably a lot of truth in that statement. So cliche, and honestly it is the chicken shit way out of not having to express how you truly feel not only to me but most importantly, yourself. Why didn't you show up at my front door with roses and an engagement ring? Instead, you did that for someone that made you feel without. Someone that literally laughed in your face. Someone that was undeserving of such a special, meaningful moment. Someone that has forever scarred you. Still, you refuse to let go completely letting yourself mask the feelings and remind yourself of her presence with random forget-me-nots throughout your room. I love you, but you are so transparent. Laugh away your feelings, continue to bottle them up. No girl will ever fill that gapping hole in your heart. You and I both know it. Learn to open up. I could've been that outlet. You lost me.

Lesson learned, trust in that. That precious heart on my sleeve is slowly becoming hardened. I honestly don't even know what I want anymore. I mean, ideally, I'd love to meet someone that sweeps me off my feet. Someone that wants to date me, to really get to know me. Someone that is vulnerable. I loathe power trips but to be honest, having control of a situation feels good. It's disgusting to know you have someones heart in the palm of your hands and you chose to play with it. I'm not saying I want to do that, but I am saying it would be nice for it NOT to be my heart.

There you have it, in all of these three cases, it's no longer my heart. I pray for all three of these individuals as well as myself. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing.

This is just right now. Tomorrow will be different. It will be great.

Playing Nice

I'm the first one to tell you that the whole 'exes as friends' thing DOESN'T work. I mean, there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part my belief is true.

There are exes I know that wouldn't want to be my friend even if I was the last person on Earth. Yeah, I'm ok with that. Wow, I seriously began to write something not nice about both of them and decided to erase! haha. Anyhow, then there's the not so distant ex that I just can't be friends with. He seems to be ok with the idea, but I just can't go there. Maybe someday...today isn't that day. Neither is tomorrow. Or next week.

Finally, we have the ex that is rarely mentioned. In a sense, I've felt very opposite personality-wise from every guy I've been involved with. This particular ex really was (and still is) the polar opposite of me. He is much taller, much bigger and more Mexican than I could ever pretend to be. When him and I were involved people would look at us and give us the strangest looks. Friends at times asked me if I was scared to be with him, implying that he looked like he might beat me due to my feisty attitude (some things never change *wink*). He never did beat me. He rarely even raised his voice at me. If anything, I had the man wrapped around my midget sized pinky. He adored me. I was mean to him, because, well....I could. I know. Sounds awful. Throw your stones if you will!

Things didn't end too horribly with us. It was a convoluted relationship to begin with. There was a lot of giving and not necessarily enough reciprocating. This wasn't just materialistically. It was a time of transition as well. I was around 20 years old. My grandmother just died from breast cancer I was in school and I just started in the insurance biz. I was just beginning to learn more about myself. We fought a lot towards the end. His job took him cross country and I've never been good with the long distance stuff. We grew apart, and then there was Peter...the ex I consider my first "real" boyfriend. The one I took home to meet the family, the one that first showed me how a girlfriend is supposed to be treated. I fucked that one up, but it was intentional. I'm getting sidetracked!!

So, the ex I have been talking to got suggested to me on Facebook. I was pleasantly surprised to see he had a page so I gave him a poke. He poked back. I poked again. There was a lot of pokes. :) Finally, he added me and we got to talking. He's back in town and now has 3 (yes, THREE!) children. Oh, what's that you asked? Are they from three different women? OF COURSE! haha. This is where I remind you readers that I was like 20 when I dated this guy! Anyhow, he's doing great, taking care of his responsibilities and wants to go back to school. He is going to be out in *El Monte tonight ::shiver:: and he's going to pick up his eldest son. He invited me over to say hello to his family and go eat tacos at this place he claims to have the best tacos ever. Yeah, Tacos Zavala is the name. Hmmm. :/

I'm excited! I don't know if this is someone I can even call a friend. An old acquaintance seems more fitting. I'm not attracted to him, but it will be nice to see him and his family and play catch up. Adding tacos to the mix is just the cherry on top :)

Monte foo', don't trip! haha

*remind me to tell you about my El Monte theory someday

Pumpkin Hill

I have a really good long term memory. One of the best memories of being a little kid was my parents taking us three kids to the drive in on a frequent basis. We had a minivan and my dad would take out the middle seat and turn the back one in the opposite direction. We'd go to Target and buy a large canister of red vines and pack up the car with all our pillows and blankets. Such a sweet memory!

Yesterday was my first trip to the Cal Poly Pomona pumpkin patch. The night before was Hollywood Glam Night 2011 so my mind was a little hazy but I couldn't miss this adventure! Nic and the girls picked me up a little after 8:30am and we were off to pick up Nina. Parking at the pumpkin patch, or as the twinks would say "Pumpkin Hill", was packed. It was such a wonderful feeling to be doing something so sweet at almost 30 years old. I wish my parents had taken us here when we were kids. There were pumpkins galore, food and vendors selling miscellaneous things. Saffron, Sage and baby Stella were in their lovely Halloween costumes and they looked adorable!

I'm so blessed to have been able to share the girls' pumpkin patch experience!

Thank you for letting me share this memory Nicole, I love you sugar plum!

989

novecientos ochenta nueve
نه صد هشتاد و نه
novecento ottanta nove
九百八十九
Dziewięć set osiemdziesiąt dziewięć
nio hundra åttio nio
เก้าร้อยร้อยแปดสิบเก้า
Nine hundred eighty-nine

The number of emails you ever sent me.

What God brought together, let no man tear apart...

No matter what I say or do, no matter how logical or foolish my words or actions may be...she stands strong by my side. She lifts me up whenever I fall and she always knows how to put a positive spin on things. We are different in so many ways, but we share the same heart. She's not just a best friend, but a sister. Our bond is stronger than ever before and its getting better with each and every passing day. She places no judgement and continues to be the positive reinforcement in my every decision. Thank you for today's advice my little sunshine: Follow your ♥ even when it's wrong, it's leading you to something right."

So I did.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Ha! I rarely win things...until this morning! For some odd reason, I needed a Diet Coke this morning. So I made my office mate (I always loved the sound of that) to go downstairs with me. We noticed some reps from Hotels.com were outside of the lobby shop trying to get people to sign up for their website. Well, all I saw were the potential prizes which included potential free rooms, a sewing kit, a magic 8 ball and....a Flip camera. So I signed up virtually and played "spin the wheel" online. Guess what I won!?! :)

♥ Just the beginning of my awesome Friday! Can't wait to see how tonight goes ;)

Guarded Heart

Sometimes it's easier to live the lie.

It's starting to feel very crisp out. As I was leaving school last night I thought about the upcoming holidays. I felt excited (and chilly.) I even slept with socks on, which I never do. There has been change in my heart and now I'm seeing my surroundings change. I love change. Change is good.

Today was my interview for Medical Only examiner. I know I did well. I went in with a peaceful mind and I put my best foot forward. It's now out of my hands. Whether or not I get the position is irrelevant. I put myself out there and I did well. I am finally starting to feel peace within my heart. I see or hear certain things, and it doesn't sting as much, if at all.

So much ahead of me, so much behind. Thank God for every success, for every failure, for every relationship and for every change.

Never Compare, Never Compete

Sissy and I had a slumber party last night and we made sure to pass our little red house. Yesterday's message was: never compare, never compete.

Sheesh.

Seriously, whomever is writing these is ALWAYS on point! This immediately made me think of both Carlos and Chris. More Carlos I guess. I say that because with Carlos I always felt like I was competing with the ghost of Maria and inevitably I felt like I was comparing with both of my beloveds exes. This isn't their fault though, this was all me. Luckily, by the time I was with Chris I didn't have the same mindset as I did with Carlos. Either way, I love little quotes that are really applicable to my life. Makes me feel as if that message was somehow supposed to be relayed to me at that exact moment.

I'm sending an anonymous Christmas card to that house during the holidays...and possibly a pound of See's choco's ♥

Interpol - Untitled

Surprise, sometimes, will come around
Surprise, sometimes, will come around
I will surprise you sometime.
I'll come around
Oh, I will surprise you sometime.
I'll come around when you're down...

Isn't It Ironic?

Funny how we feel like we want something so bad, and when we get it in a different form it kind of loses its luster. I feel like that today. I really have nothing to gripe about, I put myself in certain situations so I can't complain about the outcome of things. I'm not moving backwards, I am not going to become a broken record. I just need to stop.

Someone Hurt You Too...

I know your heart hurts too and I know at times you don't know how to deal with it. You were on my mind a lot yesterday. It was nice meeting with a mutual friend and remembering what a wonderful person you are. I can't beat myself up about us. My love and energy have been sent to you full force. I am sorry that you get stuck in your head sometimes and you don't know how or to whom you can vent to. I am here. I've never gone away. I wish you love, and I wish I could make it all better.

Embrace Change

On the way to work this morning, I was thinking about how my co worker read my cards about a month ago. I took it with a grain of salt. I tend to be gullible at times and I didn't want to look too far into it. I don't believe in coincidence, so it's weird that her "predictions" are coming true. Maybe I'm just attempting to make a comparison to events that have taken place within the past month. Hmm, I dunno.

I have been thinking that I want to buy one of those diaries that you can write in for like 5 years. The one where you only write like 5 words a day and they basically sum up what took place. Then again, I always have more than that to say, so maybe that wouldn't work for me.

Last night I went to Bestest house and she told me all about her Spain trip. I'm inspired. The art and architecture she spoke of ignited a desire and need to travel. Next year I turn 30, no more 20's!!! There's so much I want to do. There is so much I need to do. I've decided Bestest, sissy and I are going to San Francisco for our birthday. Oh, and my sis and I are going to Hawaii, no excuses. There's so much world out there!! I left Bestest's house and had coffee with Licet and just hear the struggles she has been through really made me count my blessings. I am so lucky to have the people and experiences I have had in my life. On the way home I spoke to Memo and listening to his story pumped me up even more so. I have these strong, inspirational people in my life. I am a believer that you are a reflection of who you surround yourself with. This must mean that since I've been so inspired, I must be giving that off. To me, that is the greatest feeling because that's one of my biggest life aspirations.

So, I embrace change. Roll with the punches. Take things in stride. I am thankful for every sunrise and every sunset. For ever friend, family member, hug, kiss and smile. I am thankful for the not so good days because I know that its just for now and it will pass. I have a good life, and it's only going to get better.

Only in my dreams.

Weird, the past two nights I've gotten horrible sleep. Actually, the past two weeks it has been like that. All of a sudden, I'm an insomniac. I feel like the creature from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Before I go off on a tangent, the reason I mention my restless nights is because the theme from the last two nights dreams have been along the same lines and equally as creepy.

I dreamt that I meet a guy and then we end up at his house and he basically forces himself on me. Almost like him and I were on a date and things just ended up at the guys house and then he takes advantage of the situation. In the end, I always end up escaping unscathed, but I'm having to sneak away and I wake up feeling very anxious and uneasy. I hate dreams like this, mainly because I tend to have deja vu frequently. I hope these two nightmares don't come true.

Wait.

This WILL NOT happen to me. I will get better sleep and pleasant dreams from this point on. :)

Open letter to the little red house...

I've made it a point to drive down that particular portion of Colorado at least once a week just because my sister and I are so intrigued as to what the weeks posted message in the window will be.

I must tell you, you are such a beautiful little house. You are perfectly located on the corner of a shaded, quiet street. Your lawn is always perfectly manicured, and it appears as if your occupants are never home.

It's amazing how three or four little words can leave such different yet powerful thought provoking feelings amongst all passersby. Your weekly messages give me something to look forward to each week when I intentionally drive by (which, is actually out of my way.) Ironically, your messages are living proof that literally taking the road less traveled will lead you to unexpected things.

So, please don't ever stop posting your messages in the window. You give me hope and fill my heart and mind with delight!

Forgive quickly

You should forgive quickly for your own peace of mind. I mean, who likes to be stressed? I sure as hell don't. This has been a difficult task for me, but I know I am capable of doing it. Last night was horribly hilarious. Really, probably the worst experience I've ever encountered...ever.

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. I remember being 19 years old, working as a file clerk at Cambridge. That feels so long ago! The reason I bring this up is because waking up today, able bodied and open minded, I realized that last night doesn't even matter anymore. Yesterday is in the past, and frankly I have no time to dwell. Life goes on with or without me. I don't want to left behind, so I keep moving forward. I chalk that crazy night up as a lesson learned and I laugh it off. I looked hot as hell though! haha

I am thankful for wonderful friends and I can never tell them this enough. I am extremely blessed and I'm glad my experiences have brought smiles to my loved ones faces. Dude, you can't buy this shit, only I have this kind of luck! :)

Someone like you :)

Last night...

♥ new memories at our first date spot ♥ wine ♥ pizza ♥ Al's ♥The Cave ♥ Adele at the top of our lungs ♥ compliments ♥ sisterhood ♥ Arab accents ♥ The York ♥ Johnny's ♥ eternal friendship ♥

I love thee, Jacqueline Khella.

Why am I even surprised?!?

Honestly, people never cease to amaze me. I'm not to sure if you're aware of this or not, but apparently having a penis gives you the freedom to use the "liar liar, pants on fire" card whenever you choose.

My stomach is literally turning.

Some people have real problems...

I'm in transition, I can feel it.

Recently a friend of mine told me that any relationship that makes you feel confused means that it's not the right relationship to be in. When you meet someone and you feel peaceful than that's the person you are supposed to be with. Sometimes we want to make someone fit our "mold" that we have mentally made. The perfect height, the most breath taking smile or even the most manly arms. What does all that mean anyway though? Looks fade, love shouldn't. I feel like this little black rain cloud when it comes to my blogs lately. In my daily face to face reactions I don't project any of this. At least, I don't think I do. I'm not miserable, just letting my tender heart heal.

I have felt that out of this world spark before...twice actually. I always thought it existed, and then I felt it...twice. The first time was November 2007, the second was December 2010. The fact that I've felt this not once but twice, I know it will inevitably happen to me thrice. It has to, because I can't and won't settle for any less feeling. My patience is being tested. I may be single but I'm definitely not alone. In the mean time, I love Robin.

Don't forget to breathe.

11:11, I still wish for you.

Adele - Take it all (+lyrics)

I basically raped the YouTube replay button. Read the lyrics.

Lovesick mistake

It has to end to begin.

Mad World

That Tears for Fears cover by Gary Jules is playing on my Pandora station. It reminds me of Donnie Darko, which in turn reminds me of the last time I saw it, which was at Beaw's house. He set up the laptop for me on his comfy bed and I watched while he worked out. It's funny when something reminds us on one thing and then it starts a string of memories. Remembering all this ultimately reminds me of whenever he used to tell me he loved me. He was silly like 90% of the time, but the 10% when he was serious was just as nice. I remember one of the last times we had gone to the Bottle Room and we were sitting at the bar and I was yapping away and he was just looking at me. When I was done talking I looked over at him and he looked me directly in my eyes and told me he loved me. That moment is probably my favorite moment of us together, well, after the first time he told me he loved me. He was so sweet to me. We had such big differences, but as I told him many times, when we initially met it was fireworks. We talked so long that night. That was the best first kiss I've ever had in my life. That moment felt like perfection.

It stings my heart to think back at those things, but at the same time it strengthens my hopeful heart. I now know that feeling is possible. It's happened.

I'm glad today is Friday, I have so much on my mind. It's going to be nice to see my Erika love and my sissy at one of my favorite bars, The Edison. Once again, I'm flooded with memories. Bittersweet ones. Time to make new ones.

If you're reading this...

I just want to let you know that I will always love you.

Sometimes we say or do things and we don't think about the effect it will have on others. We just throw stuff out into the universe and don't consider the repercussions. We don't bother with the follow up. Then there are those rare times where that distant "I wonder what ever happened when I _____ (insert situation)" is answered. That's when we find out how we might have made someones day, or even when we might have hurt someone.

Growing up, I remember the worst punishment I could have ever received was the thought of letting my mom down. She already knew how hard my father was on us, so when we would upset her there would be no screaming or yelling or even a beat down. It was silence, and it was disappointment in her face. That would just tear me up. I hate knowing I've let someone down, especially when its someone that holds such a special place in my heart.

I'm sorry I let you down.

Aggression

I'm sitting here at my desk with a shitload of work and all I can think about is some random memory from last year.

January 2010, Carlos bought me my kickboxing gloves and a 6 week training course. I was so excited!! I remember the first night I went I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect and didn't want to be embarrassed if I couldn't keep up. But I went, and I did keep up! I remember when the session was over the instructor went around and gave high fives to everyone and my girlfriend and I walked outta the studio. I'm not sure if it was just the adrenaline pumping or the whole experience just evoked some emotions, but I started to cry. It felt good. I felt good. I was proud of myself and it was healthy to get out some of that aggression in a positive form.

I think I thought of this because I know I'm in the middle of a transition in my life. That and the fact that I'm going to a boot camp tonight. I'm excited, and I look forward to being sore. I need to get some anger out. I need a good cry, even if its only on the inside.

Delete Obsolete

You've officially been erased from  my phone, now in order for me to even want to contact you, it will be work. Sending an email doesn't have as quick of a return as a nasty gram via text. I meant what I wrote. I am not mad, I'm very disappointed and I feel sad...for you.

Go fuck yourself.

*I'm sorry you read this.

Goodbye good guy

Love is...

letting go, once and for all.

Lemonade in July

It's officially the first day of July. The year is half way through. Wow. I feel positive! I have a three day weekend and I plan to make the most of it. I love the 4th of July. I've always had really good ones. You have the family stuff and then I always either had a boyfriend or I was with friends. They have always been pleasant and memorable.

This year will be different, I'm single and my sister is single. We decided to have a slumber party. Something will come up event wise. If it doesn't, thats ok too! So, I'm super excited! Tomorrow I'm trying Zumba for the first time! Eek! ♥

When one door closes...

another one opens. It's really scaryexcitingwonderful how you put something out into the Universe and then BAM! You get what your heart desires. It side swipes you and sometimes you literally are left breathless.

So yesterday at 2:56pm I got what I was slightly holding my breath for...a text. It was from him simply asking "do you dislike me?" Umm...no, but you definitely aren't my favorite person right now. I indulged and wrote back. He told me "it sounds gay, but I feel emo :/ " hmmm...ya think? The selfish part of me was happy to hear that he was hurting without me. Then I felt empty. You "wish" for something like that to occur, but who actually wins? If anything, it made me feel even more shitty. He went on to tell me that he is feeling "a wide range of emotions" I then wrote back and told him I understood where he was coming from. And then...that was it. Of course that completely effed up my afternoon, I kept anticipating another mystery text from him. Why? Who knows?! I'm a nosy rosy I guess. Maybe I liked that evil, shitty feeling I felt knowing that the situation finally got to him. I'm a bitch {smirk}

I took my nephews and sissy to JIPC and we played...and I gave in. Not only did I text him to find out what these wide range of emotions were, but I called. We spoke for about 20 minutes. It was a waste. Why did I do that? Ugh! I feel like he had the "one up" on me. I texted bestest and I text Shawn*, both were supportive as they possibly could be. I then went home and arrived by nine. Now I was mad. Now he had me thinking. I'm upset that I gave in. I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to vent.

Who do I call though?

Chris.

So I did just that...and I cried. He let me be upset. Things went around in circles. I wished him well and hung up. At this point the tears have dried and I'm just done. I'm done.

I take a shower to cool off so to speak. I end up talking on the phone with Shawn from after 10pm 'til 4am...yeah. Yeeeeeah.

*I don't even want to touch base on him yet. He is deserving of his own dedicated blog. Eek!

Meh

Yeah, so overall my three day weekend was pleasant. Caught up with some friends. Now it's just about 7pm on this Sunday. I'm sitting in my air conditioned apartment and I'm feeling....meh. I know, I'm totally emotional roller coaster with my moods. I don't want to cry or anything, but it's just me and my thoughts right now. I want to know if he is thinking of me. I want to know why he isn't knocking down my front door. I want to know how Carlos was able to just let go. Was it as easy as it appeared? ::sigh::

This is going to pass, I know. I need to stop with the self pity. I'm just having a moment though and I need to allow myself to feel this. It's going to make me stronger in the long run. It's tough when it's happening at the present moment. I know that book I'm currently reading will help me, and although I have the time to read it right now I guess I'm just not mentally prepared to absorb anything at this time. Maybe in an hour. ARRRGGH!

Life isn't bad. Things could be much worst. I think of two very easy "distractions" right now, but I don't even want to go there. First off, it's not what I really want. Secondly, it's just not fair to anyone in that situation. I'm upset. I dunno if that's much different than being mad, either way, I'm bothered. I feel like I just don't know what to do with myself. I know there are things I can do, I just don't want to.

I just want to be.

I was getting a new roll of toilet paper out of the linen closet and I saw a Disneyland photo holder. I pull it down and I look inside, it's a picture of Evan and Carlos on Splash Mountain. That was last July. Amazing. Another reminder where my life was and what it's become. That sounded bad. It's not. It's just crazy. Like crazy. I can't even be sad. I'm just at a loss for words, even for feelings. It's jumbled. I felt reminiscent. I felt a little bitter. I felt a little happy ( I think that's more just because they look so happy in the picture.)

Tomorrow's a new day, a new week. It won't be like this. It will never be like this again.

8:03pm
I need to get the fuck outta Dodge.

The Power of NOW

My bestest recommended that I read a book that she is currently reading called The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle. I must say, so far so good. I'm only about a third into it and I have this crazy get-outta-my-brain feeling. This guy definitely knows what he is talking about and I think it's giving me some much needed perspective. NOW is the time. NOW is all we have. I can no longer hold onto the past or worry about the future. I need to live in the moment because it's all that really matters. It's going to be challenging but I'm looking forward to it.

On a side note, I took Evan to see Kung Fu Panda 2 today. Amazing. Seeing this movie, reading this book and having tons of encouragement from my wonderful friends lets me know that EVERYTHING happens for a reason and EVERYTHING has it's time. My time is now.

5:33 AM

Dear Circadian Rhythm,

You can stop with this nonsense of making me wake up EVERY morning at 5:33am. I no longer need to be wakey wakey eggs & bakey that early. I'm in my own bed. So give me back my normal 45 minutes!

Today the Biffy and I are going to a jazz show at the Mexican Consulate, I'm stoked! I've never been. You know I'm a fan of the Latin folks :) Optimistic! Scratch that.

9:56pm
things::i::have::♥'d::i'm::allowed::to::keep...

-the way you would look at me with conviction and say “I love you”

-hewow

-morning snuggles

-robots

-charlie beaw

-our first kiss

-the initial spark

-my side of the bed

-your moms enchiladas

-muscle milk

-bed sores

-sweep sweeps

-hmmp!

-daily emails

-good night texts

-food

-piggy back rides

-‘what are you thinking?’

-20 questions

-ice cream truck

-asking to pick your shirt

-baby talk

-hearing your dreams

-Sunday funday

-just breathe

-trees

-your love for pups and babies

- :o

-your arms

-you licking your lips

-patience

-holding hands

-your scent

-your whole heart, not just the pointy part

-music

-making love

-friendship

-money fairy

-creature of habit

-date night

-endless pictures

-your good memory

-laughing

-siwwy

-stupendous days

-venting

-mcnuggets

-surprises

-unbrushed hair

-loving you.

Bitter, party of one

No really, I'm ok. I think it just hit me right now, the reality of why Chris and I broke up. He wasn't an asshole at all about it, but just thinking what he actually said is really starting to sink in. The man admitted that he would not "chase" after me if we were to break up. Basically, I'm not worth fighting for. But he's in love with me. Oh, and he thinks I'm amazing...but...I'm not worthy of a pursuit. Hmm...

Looking back, I suppose I might have made things too easy. Or did I? I believe I was just being myself. Apparently nowadays that doesn't cut it. So let's go over the facts:

1. Carlos and I break up out of nowhere...August 2010
2. Chris and I meet the day after Christmas...December 2010
3. Chris and I break up because he's concerned that he won't want me if we were to hypothetically break up...June 2011

Well then, call me butter 'cause I'm on a roll. Shall I go for lucky #3 breakup by my one year anniversary of Carlos and I? {insert sarcasm}

This is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. It stings. As a good friend told me over dinner and drinks last night, where there's one there's 500 behind him. It's true.

♥all.we.have.is.now♥

p.s. The following is why I ADORE my friends. I was venting moments ago to a friendly of mine and this was what she had to say:

He likes you when you’re there but if you weren’t there he wouldn’t seek you out because he doesn’t want to be that vulnerable to need you. Probably why he keeps it friendly and not emotionally deep.

Its not that you’re not worth going after. We have no literal amount of worth. We have individual estimations of worth. To him you are not as valuable to him as his freedom to do what he wants and be a fool. To someone else you are the moon and stars. You cant let his estimation of your worth skew your estimation of your worth.

It's not me, it's you

So that's it. 6/19/11. Only a week and a half shy of us being involved for six months. Be careful what you wish for I suppose. It was over before it really ever began. I've never had a breakup like this before. It was so mature. It still hurts though...a lot.

What began as a normal round of "what are you thinking about?" turned into us breaking up. I have to remind myself that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. If I am such a wonderful person that has done so much for you and you ARE in love with me, then why am I not worth fighting for? I do take this personally. I feel like I've done something wrong. At the moment, I feel all cried out. It will hurt less as the days pass by.

I hope you find what I've left you, I know you will when the time is right.
Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today but eventually.

Ain't love grand ♥

Christian Roberto Zavala, sometimes you really drive me bananas...but I love you. From the outside looking in, we are so different. I hate to say "opposites attract" because I feel like it has such a bad connotation...but I do believe there is some truth to that. I am an extrovert to the max. I have to express myself physically and verbally. You, on the other hand, are like a dead bolt safe. Like the ones you see at a bank. You keep everything under close watch, under lock and key. I don't know if you will ever completely "open up" but I love you nonetheless. We will always have our ups and downs, and I love you more and more for each one of those moments. You always have some trick up your sleeve, and I love to hate how mysterious you are. You are mine and I am yours. ♥

I got this sent to me in an email the other day and it totally reminded me of what we have. 'Real Love is what’s LEFT OVER after falling in love” ….meaning EVERYBODY falls in love and is excited in the beginning, but that’s not the real thing…the real thing is what’s left after. The feelings and the love you can still carry for someone after being tired of kissing them or making love to them. If still after that you can love them, then that’s the “genuine” part of being in love.'

               I want to make all your dreams come true. Thank you for loving me for me. ♥

Here is the house where it all happend...

Dios mio...it just dawned on me that I've officially lived in my Arcadia apartment for a year now. It's amazing what can happen within 365 days. This time last year I was packing up my little life in Glendora and saying good bye to the family I had grown to love. I knew it wasn't goodbye forever. Carlos and I were taking the next major step in our relationship. The whole ordeal was exciting, but we were practically already living with one another. It was nice picking out this apartment. I'm extremely impatient, so after one week I was ready to give up. Carlos on the other hand, was the calm one. He knew we would find our perfect place. I remember the day we came into look at it and he was head over feet...the bowl of fruit tiles in the kitchen is what had me sold :)

Arcadia is a very serene city. I mean, who wouldn't love neighbors that mind their own business and roaming peacocks everyday!?! So much has happend here. Chapters began and ended as drama unfolded. Gatherings were had, sleepovers commenced, tears shed and endless amounts of laughter. Though the walls are still stark white. My little apartment has only a few splashes of personality, but I like it that way. I feel comfortable here, certain days sting but I'm not afraid to be alone here. The fact that it's now a year and I'm not on the hunt for a new place to call home is epic.

It's interesting to try and think ahead as to whether or not I'll still be here in a year, I mean that in all sense of the word.

Those three words said too much though not enough...

So that's it, it's official... we're in ♥! Yes, it's that simple. I would've never thought almost 7 months after my heart was practically ripped outta my chest would I be feeling this way for someone new. His timing was impeccable. It was yesterday morning and we were laying down. We started talking finances and debt. I got choked up recalling regretful moments (and unwanted debt- because of impulsive decisions) and me just being foolish. After making me smile through the tears, he told me he'd never hold it over my head, "you know why Robin? Because I love you." :)

Leaps and bounds

2/5/11 = six months.....and you know what, I didn't even realize this until yesterday. My ♥ couldn't feel any better. I emailed him, totally for selfish reasons. I needed to get it off my chest...the fact that I have began to forgive. He probably won't even read it, and to be honest, I could give a shit. That was purely for my peace of mind, because at the end of the day I'M what matters most!

I feel amazing. I'm mentally working myself up for this new school semester to start, if I keep this up I will be transferring sooner than later. Eek! My friendships have strengthened and I've embraced living alone more than ever. I really feel like I'm ok with myself.

I can't lie, Chris has something to do with it. He is wonderful...that's actually and understatement. My extensive vocabulary must be thrown off track because of my heart palpitations or something. Life is grand, this is good. It feels right and I am happy. I feel like I can exhale...just breathe ;)